635 
517 

py l 



PRICE THIRTY -FIVE CENTS 



S*' 




A DEAL IN DUCKS 



BY 



GUY L. CLEMENTS 




ATCHISON, KANSAS 

J. R. HELLENER & CO. 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
.lewis Tubbs. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth "Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. 

THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. < Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girL 



A Deal in Ducks 

A Play in Three Acts 



By 
GUY L. CLEMENTS 



± 



Atchison, Kansas 

J. R. HELLENER AND CO, 

192 i 






Copyright 192 i by J. R. Hellener and Co. 



A Deal in Ducks 

m 1/ i92i©ao 57130 

TMP92-008854 



A Deal in Ducks 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Jack Gillmore . Editor of the " Sandburn Echo " 

Robert White Jack's college chum 

John Hardnock . . . Capitalist and land owner 

Mike McConey The printer's devil 

Ruth Hardnock Jack's fiancee 

Betty Hart Jack's assistant 

Time:— Soon after the United States entered the 
World War. 

Place. — Small middle-western town. 
Time of Playing: — About two hours. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

The play opens soon after the United States entered 
the World War. Jack Gillmore is a young newspaper 
editor in a small country town of western Nebraska. 
Jack is in love with Ruth Hardnock, the daughter of a 
retired rancher and capitalist. Mr. Hardnock objects 
to their marriage because Jack is not rich. Jack enlists 
in the army and rather than close down his paper he 
leaves it in charge of Robert White, who has had no 
experience but is full of confidence. Jack's assistants, 
Betty Hart and Mike McConey, agree to stay and 
help edit the paper. To assist Jack in his love affair 
the new editorial staff plot to swindle Mr. Hardnock 
out of a sum of money in order to win his consent to 
Ruth's marriage. Their plans are greatly assisted by 
the Government's announcement of the discovery of 



4 STORY OF THE PLAY 

potash in that vicinity. They use Jack's money to 
make the first payment on a lake they buy from Mr. 
Hardnock and soon get into difficulties through 
their mistakes and inability to meet their bills. Jack, 
becoming suspicious, returns home on a furlough and 
very nearly spoils their plans. They finally succeed in 
re-selling Mr. Hardnock his lake for fifty thousand 
dollars. They turn the money over to Jack and he uses 
it to win Mr. Hardnock's consent to his marriage. 
Jack then returns the money to Mr. Hardnock but 
holds back enough to build the house that Mr. Hard- 
nock had promised them. Hardnock is so impressed 
with Bob's clever work that he hires him to take charge 
of his affairs. Ruth and Jack win a home; Bob a 
housekeeper and Betty a rug beater, all on account of 
a little " business ingenuity." 

Act I. Office of the Sandburn Echo. 

Act II. Same as Act I. 

Act III. Same as Act II. 



A Deal in Ducks 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Office of a typical, small, country news- 
paper. Desk for Jack and desk with a typewriter 
for Betty. Sale bills and calendars on the walls. 
Waste paper baskets, newspapers, advertisements 
and so forth scattered about the room to give it the 
appearance of a country town newspaper. Betty is 
discovered at her desk busily engaged in writing 
copy. 

(Mike enters at c. d. As he talks with Betty he re- 
moves his hat and coat and hangs them on the peg 
from which he takes an apron. He puts on the 
apron and lights a short, stubby pipe.) 

Betty (stops working and looks up). Good-morn- 
ing, Mike. 

Mike. Top of the marnin' to yez, Miss Betty. 

Betty. You are a little late to work this morning, 
Mike. 

Mike. Couldn't help it this marnin\ Sure and we 
are having lots of excitement down at our house. 

Betty. What's the matter? Are some of the chil- 
dren sick again ? 

Mike. No, a burgular broke into our house about 
three o'clock this marnin'. 

Betty. A burgular ! Mercy, did he get anything ? 

Mike. Did he get anything? Begora, ye ought to 
see his eye. Sure and me wife thought it was me. 

Betty. You shouldn't stay out so late nights, Mike. 
I'm afraid you don't appreciate your wife as you 
should. 

5 



O A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Mike. Oh, I appreciate Maggie all right. She went 
to Sunday School the other Sunday and learned all 
about heaping on coals of fire. 

Betty. Isn't that splendid? And now I suppose 
she's trying it on you. 

Mike. Yes, she's trying it on me, all right. Only 
she's got the thing mixed up a bit and begora she's 
using hot water. 

Betty. Now, Mike, I know better than that. 
Maggie is a good wife and you will go a long way be- 
fore you find another one like her. 

Mike. Sure an' you're right, Miss Betty. Maggie 
is the best little pal in the world. I was late this 
marnin' hunting me pipe. The kids had it out in the 
back yard blowing bubbles with it. Has Jack been 
down this marnin' ? 

Betty. Yes. He went to the post-office for the 
mail. Jack is very anxious to see his mail every day 
now as he hopes to hear from the War Department in 
regard to his enlistment in the army. 

Mike. An' phwat wad become of the paper an* us, 
if his appleekashun shud be accepted? 

Betty. If he goes to war he intends to sell the 
paper and invest the money in Liberty Bonds. It will 
mean quite a sacrifice for Jack. He has worked hard 
to get this paper up to a point where it is a paying 
proposition and now, just as it is at the place where he 
could reap the benefits of his labors, he is going to 
leave it. 

Mike. Begora, I don't blame him a bit. If it 
wasn't for Maggie and the kids I'd be there meself. 
It's hard to stay home when the other fellows are all 
going. 

Betty. I feel sorry for Jack on account of the 
financial sacrifice he must make, but, oh, how I envy 
him the privilege of going out like a man and taking a 
man's part in this struggle for civilization. As I read 
and hear of the butchery and destruction in Belgium ; 
the shooting and killing of children and harmless citi- 
zens ; it makes my blood fairly boil. Oh, that I were 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 7 

a man that I could do something. It seems to me 
like looking on at a murder or watching a bulldog kill- 
ing a kitten and doing nothing. I can't understand 
how any man who is half a man can be content to be 
out of it. 

{Enter Jack c. d. Hears last of Betty's speech.) 

Jack. That's fine, Betty. Fine. If the United 
States Government doesn't put you in charge of a re- 
cruiting station, it ought to, that's all. Don't you think 
so, Mike? 

Mike. Begora, and you're right, Jack. Sure, and 
I've been growing smaller and smaller, standing here 
feeling like I been letting the bulldog eat up the cats 
right before me very eyes. 

Betty. No, Mike. I do not refer to men like you. 
We all know that Maggie and the little Mikes need you 
at home. But I do believe that every man ought to 
either be in training or helping in some way at home. 
They say it takes eight men behind the lines for every 
man in the trenches so there should be a job for every- 
one. 

Jack. Well, Betty, I hope soon to be one of those 
in the trenches. {Takes letter from his pocket.) I 
received my summons this morning and I am to report 
at the Court House at Munford within twenty-four 
hours. That means that I must start to pack my grip 
at once. 

Betty. But Jack! You can't possibly leave so 
soon. What will become of your business ? 

Jack. It isn't a question of can or can't. It's 
" Must." 

Betty. But just think of the sacrifice that it will 
mean. 

Jack. I supposed that I would have plenty of time 
to dispose of my business after hearing from my ap- 
plication but it seems that the Government is in urgent 
need of men. However, there is no use to worry about 
what can't be helped. I should have thought of that 
before. 



8 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Mike. Misther Jackson has been wantin' the paper 
fer some toime. Can't yez sell it to 'im ? 

Jack. No. I stopped in to see him on my way 
from the office. In some manner he has found out 
that I must leave at once and has withdrawn his offer 
of two thousand dollars for the paper. He said he was 
afraid the war would injure the newspaper business 
and that he could not afford to pay more than nine 
hundred dollars for it. 

Betty. Well, of all the ungrateful impudence ! I 
must say that I like his nerve. I wish I were a man, 
I'd tell him something. 

Mike. Ye're not goin' to let 'im have it, be yez? 

Jack. No, I will close the place up first. Jackson 
thinks he has me in a pinch and that I will have to sell. 
Well, he has another " think " coming. It's hard to 
keep up your patriotism sometimes, when you see the 
ungratefulness of a few of these unprincipled money 
grabbers. They seem to forget that it is their property 
and their homes that we are going out to fight for as 
well as our own. There's one redeeming feature and 
that is that the great mass of the American people are 
behind the boys and will back them up to the last 
ditch. What worries me most is, what will become of 
you who have been so faithful to me, in case I am 
obliged to close up the shop. 

Mike. Don't yez be worryin' about me. If the 
worst comes I can go like the other bhoys and Uncle 
Sam will take care of Maggie and the kids. I'm not 
much of a shot but begora, I can throw bricks in case 
they run out of bullets. 

Betty. Never mind us, Jack. We'll get along all 
right. Before this war .is over we may all be fighting 
in one way or another. 

{Enter Mr. Hardnock and Ruth, c. d.) 

Ruth (goes to Jack and he places arm about her 
waist). Jack, we just heard the news. Must you go 
so soon? 

Jack. Yes, Ruth. I must report at Munford within 



A DEAL IN DUCKS Q 

twenty- four hours. I just received the notice and was 
coming up to tell you of it. It is rather a surprise, as I 
expected that I would have plenty of time to settle up 
my affairs before leaving. 

Hardnock. There, I told you so. I warned you 
all the time and advised against this enlistment busi- 
ness. There was no call for it as I could see. This 
is not our scrap, anyway. 

Betty. Well, it most certainly is our scrap. And 
anyone but a blind man could see it, unless he had 
certain reasons of his own for not wanting to see it. 
If Germany should win this war now, it would be the 
last of the United States of America. 

Hardnock. Oh, fiddlesticks and fish-bones! You 
alarmists make me tired. We are too far away to be in 
any danger. Suppose they should, somehow or other, 
scramble over here with a few hundred thousand men. 
Then we would all turn out and take a shot at them. 

Ruth. But we have no rifles. 

Hardnock. We have shotguns. 

Jack. Yes, and Mike here has some bricks and the 
girls have hat pins. That is just the danger. You may 
be the bravest people on earth, but if you have neither 
the arms nor the training while the other chaps have 
both, you are just like sheep ready for the slaughter. 

Hardnock (goes towards c. d.). All right! All 
right ! I wash my hands of the whole affair. Nobody 
can ever blame John Hardnock for shouting this na- 
tion into war. 

Betty. Well, I should say not. And no one can 
ever give him any credit for winning it, either. 

Hardnock. And as for you, Jack, no one who is 
foolish enough to mix up in this fuss and throw away 
a chance like this to make money will ever have a 
chance to spend any of mine. And if my daughter 
still chooses to marry that kind of a man she can make 
up her mind to live on that kind of an income. Good- 
day! 

(Exit c. d.) 

Betty. Of all the nerve! Nobody wants any of 



10 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

your stingy old money anyway. I beg your pardon, 
Ruth, but your father makes me warm under the col- 
lar, sometimes. 

Ruth. Oh, never mind father. He had fried fish 
for breakfast and they never do agree with him. Jack 
knows that father's objections will make no difference 
with me. 

Jack. Thank you, Ruth, for saying so, but your 
father is right to a certain extent. A girl, accustomed 
as you have been to the luxuries of life, should be 
pretty sure that she has the right man before throwing 
away a life of ease and comfort for a life of toil and 
hardship with a man without money. 

Betty. Oh, shucks ! I wouldn't give two cents for 
a girl who didn't have enough confidence in the man 
she was going to marry to believe that he would soon 
be a millionaire, at least. 

Jack. I must go to the house now and break the 
news to mother. Would you care to walk along, Ruth ? 
We can talk over our plans on the way. 

Ruth. Certainly, Jack. I will go with you and per- 
haps I may be of some help to your mother in getting 
your things ready. 

Jack. We'll be right back, Betty. Meanwhile you 
might as well let Mike set up a little type. It will do 
him good. 

(Exit Ruth and Jack c. d.) 

Betty (handing paper to Mike). All right. Here's 
some copy, Mike. Set up this prohibition notice. It 
will make you forget your other troubles. 

Mike (takes copy and starts off stage). First 'twas 
war and now 'tis prohibition. Begora, I wonder what 
the next great calamity'll be. 

(Exits into press room.) 

(Betty sits at typewriter and writes. Enter Bob c. d. 
Does not notice Betty at first. Betty stops writing 
and watches Bob.) 

Bob (looks around office). So I have found the den 



A DEAL IN DUCKS II 

of the sly old fox at last. Who would ever have 
thought that that old college hero, Home Run Jack, 
would ever settle down in a little burg like this, and 
run a little dinky, once a week, newspaper. He has a 
nifty little place here, though, but how he ever came to 
squat down and live in a place like this is more than I 
can see. Not even a pie- throwing picture show to 
relieve the monotony of life. (Betty looks up and 
watches Bob.) I've been in them before. The girls 
all flirt, chew gum, sing in the choir and meet the train 
on Sunday night. Of all the girls in the world give me 

anything but a small country town, gum chewing 

{Notices Betty watching him.) Ah, excuse me! 
{Takes off hat and bows.) How do you do? That 

is It's a nice day, isn't it? {Aside.) Well, what 

do you know about that? 

Betty {coming forward). Good-morning. Is there 
something I can do for you this morning? 

Bob. No — yes — that is as I was saying 

{Wipes face with handkerchief.) It's rather warm, 
isn't it? 

Betty. It does seem a little suffocating. Sort of 
takes a person's breath. 

Bob. Yes, you did take my breath for a minute. 
Rather unexpected, you know. Were you raised 
here? 

Betty. Do you wish something? If not, I am 
rather busy this morning. 

Bob. It seems to be getting a trifle cooler. 

Betty. Perhaps, but that will not prevent some- 
body from getting roasted if he persists in this fool- 
ishness. If you have some business, all right. If not, 
I must ask you to excuse me. 

Bob. Why, yes — that is — I thought I would like to 
buy some newspapers or something. Let me see some 
of the very latest styles you have in newspapers. 

Betty {hands Bob paper). Here's the last copy of 
the Sandburn Echo. Edited by Jack Gillmore. The 
very latest thing in newspapers and designed especially 
for the numerous fresh guys that come here. 



12 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Bob. Say, that's good. Now I know you were not 
raised here. {Hands Betty card.) Here's one of my 
cards. Mr. Robert White. Retired capitalist and all 
around good fellow. A bachelor whose tender heart 
is still unscratched by the claws of matrimony. What 
did I understand you to say your name is? 

Betty. I hardly think you understood me to say. 

Bob. I guess that's right, come to think of it. But 
don't you think that we could get along lots faster in 
our business relations if we were better acquainted? 
You know it's hard for me to do business with strang- 
ers, especially when they have such bright, interesting 
eyes. 

Betty. My eyes are neither bright nor interesting. 
In fact they are almost as dull and uninteresting as 
some of our customers. 

Bob. Oh, I see. In that case I might as well be 
going. (Writes note.) I will leave a note for 
Jack — I mean the editor — and will call again a little 
later. (Hands Betty note.) I wish to look around 
the town a little. I would like to get into the manu- 
facturing business in this town, if possible. 

Betty (interested). So? May I inquire what kind 
of goods you wish to make ? 

Bob. Certainly. If I could only get a certain party 
for a partner I should like to make a few dates. 

Betty. If you refer to me, I must decline with 
thanks. I prefer the newspaper business. 

Bob. Sure, that's all right. Everyone to his own 
liking. I bid thee farewell. I only hope you will like 
me more as you know me better. 

(Exit c. d.) 

Betty. Well, of all the nerve that was ever 
wrapped up in one little bit of a piece of humanity, he's 
it. (Glances at note.) I wonder what can be in this 
note. Business, I suppose. Still he didn't talk like a 
business man. (Looks at note.) Why, Betty Hart! 
What in the world is the matter with you ? That note 
can be of no possible interest to you. Still, if it's busi- 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 1 3 

ness it may be something that I can attend to. He 
didn't say it was personal. I wonder if it would be 
right for me to read it. I have a notion to take a little 
peep, just for fun. Nobody ever need to know. 
(Glances about room, unfolds note and reads.) " Dear 
old Jack." (Aside.) Why, he must be a friend of 
Jack's. " Am off to war and just dropped in to say 
good-bye." (Aside.) That makes a difference. 
(Reads.) " I want to tell you what a sweet, dear little 
stenographer you have." (Aside.) This is getting 
interesting. (Reads.) "1 lost my heart to her on 
sight." (Aside.) At least he shows good judgment. 
(Reads.) " If she should read this and will meet me 
this evening on that cozy little bridge in the park I 
will tell her all about it." (Angrily.) Oh, the mean, 
old, horrid thing! (Tears up note.) That note was 
just a trap. (Stamps her foot.) I hate him! I hate 
him! I hate him! (Meditates.) And yet — and yet — 
what wonderful eyes. (Smiles.) 

(Voices heard off stage. Betty hurriedly picks up 
pieces of note, leaving one and taking some copy 
from desk exits r. d.) 

(Enter Jack and Hardnock.) 

Jack. Is your answer absolutely final, Mr. Hard- 
nock? 

Hardnock. Absolutely. I would not be doing my 
duty to Ruth if I were to consent to this marriage. 
A girl accustomed to every luxury of life, such as 
Ruth has been, could never be happy on the income of 
a man like you. If you had money, things would be 
different. I will never consent to my daughter's mar- 
riage to any man who has not at least fifty thousand 
dollars to his credit in the bank. 

(Bob enters, listens a moment, then steps behind desk.) 

Jack. Money isn't everything in this world. I love 
Ruth and I believe that she loves me well enough to 
be happy on the income that I can supply her with. 



14 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Hardnock. Perhaps, for a while, but it would not 
last. 

Jack. But it is impossible for any man, within a 
few years, to save fifty thousand dollars and make it 
honestly. 

Hardnock. It is easy if you go about it in the 
right way. The big fortunes of to-day are not made 
by hard work. One good investment is worth a life- 
time of labor. And then there are other ways. Not 
approved of, perhaps, by your Sunday School teacher, 
but at the same time they bring in the money. 

Jack. I would rather be poor all my life and lie 
in a pauper's grave than to go about the country cheat- 
ing the people out of their hard-earned savings by dis- 
honest methods. I would rather be able to look my 
fellow man in the face with a clear conscience and a 
clean hand than to have all the gold in the world. 

Hardnock. That is splendid sentiment but very 
poor judgment. Young man, don't you know that one- 
half the population of this globe is simply giving its 
money away to the other half every day by the stock 
and investment route? I don't exactly like that word 
" cheating " you used. I prefer to call it " business 
ingenuity/' If you ever expect to make big money you 
absolutely must have a certain amount of shrewd, 
cunning, business ingenuity. I'm willing to admit that 
that's the way I made my money. I must leave you 
now, but think it over, and when you can come to me 
with a bank book, showing a deposit to your credit for 
fifty thousand dollars, I will not only consent to your 
marriage to my daughter but I will throw in an extra 
ten thousand myself for a little nest to live in. Think 
it over. 

(Exit Hardnock.) 

Bob (stepping out). Excuse me, Jack. But I got in 
and couldn't very well get out so I just stayed and 
heard the lecture on high finance. 

Jack (shakes hands). Well, Bob! I sure am glad 
to see you. Where in the world did you drop from? 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 1 5 

You are always turning up just when I am most in 
need of a friend. What are you doing way down here ? 

Bob. I have just completed a course of training at 
an Officers' Training Camp and am waiting for Uncle 
Sam to say " Come." But what's all the rumpus 
about ? You look as though you were in trouble. 

Jack. Yes, I am in trouble, Bob. I'm right up 
against it. I just received notice from the War De- 
partment to report for duty at once and here I am 
with all this business on my hands and the father of 
the only girl in the world refuses to consider me as a 
suitable son-in-law. 

Bob. Do you mean to say that that crazy old fish 
objects to you as a son-in-law? Well, I most cer- 
tainly would object to him as a father-in-law. But 
never mind, Jack. If the girl is really worth while, 
you should worry, whether he objects or not. 

Jack. It will make no difference to Ruth, in the 
way you mean. She is the best little girl in the world, 
but it would not be fair for me to ask her to give up 
her position and wealth, at least not until I can offer 
her something more than I can at present. Even this 
little newspaper business, that I have worked so hard 
to make a success of, seems to be headed for the rocks. 

Bob. Jack, I have an idea. You know I always 
was long on ideas and short on cash. 

Jack. Yes, I remember. What particular wheel 
has started to buzzing now ? 

Bob. Simply this. I may not be called to the army 
for some time. Why not let me take charge of things 
here and help run the paper or at least try to sell the 
business for something like a fair price. 

Jack. But you have never had any experience, have 
you? 

Bob. No, of course not. But then I am chuck full 
of ambition, confidence and self-appreciation. I guess 
that ought to make it go, hadn't it? You know my 
reputation for tackling everything. 

Jack. Yes, and of succeeding at nothing. You are 
a fine boy, Bobbie, but as a printer I am afraid you 



l6 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

will be one grand mistake. Well, there's one consola- 
tion, you certainly can't make things any worse. Try it 
if you wish. If Betty would stay on the job I would 
have more faith in your success. 

Bob. Oh, sure. She'll stay all right when she finds 
out that I am going to be here. 

{Picks up piece of note left by Betty and looks at it.) 

Jack. You seem to have found something inter- 
esting. 

Bob. No, nothing but a little piece of a note some- 
body has torn up. It belongs to me, I guess. At least 
it has my name on it. I'll just keep it for future refer- 
ence. (Puts paper in pocket. ) By the way, Jack, your 
stenographer didn't seem very sociably inclined this 
morning. 

Jack. No, I suppose not, if you went about getting 
acquainted the way you usually do. Betty is the finest 
little girl in the world but she has no use for the boys, 
especially the trifling kind. 

Bob. But I'm not trifling. I'm serious. Somehow 
when I gaze into her eyes she seems different from the 
rest. 

Jack. Yes, most of them are different, especially 
when you gaze into their eyes. 

Bob. She's not engaged or anything like that, is 
she? 

Jack. No. Her heart is still free for the man who 
is lucky enough to win it. However, I can give you 
very little encouragement along that line. Betty is all 
business and has no time for tomfoolery. 

Bob. I should worry about Tom. Wait till I get 
in some of my work. 

(Enter Betty l. d. Sees men and starts to exit.) 

Jack. Betty ! Just a moment ! (Betty comes for- 
ward.) I want you to meet an old college chum of 
mine, Robert White. Bob, this is my assistant, Miss 
Hart. The best printer in the state. 

Betty (shaking hands). How do you do, Mr. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 17 

White? I beg your pardon for seeming so rude this 
morning but I did not know you were a friend of 
Jack's. 

Bob. I am surely delighted to know you, Miss Hart. 
Don't mention that little incident this morning. I had 
it all coming to me and then some. Yes, I claim to be 
one of Jack's many friends, but you must not hold that 
against me. 

Betty. I'm sure no friend of Jack's could be so 
very bad. 

Jack. I'm not so sure about that, Betty. While in 
school Bob had the reputation of being a thief. You 
had better be on your guard while he is around. 

Betty. Indeed, and what does he steal ? 

Jack. Girls' hearts, mostly. 

Betty. Oh, I see. 

Bob. Oh, come on now, Jack. That's not fair. I 
swear that I never flirted with a college girl in my 
life. 

Betty. Oh, of course not. Nor with a newspaper 
girl either, I suppose. 

Jack. Oh, so that was the trouble, was it? You 
know Bob was just complaining to me about your not 
being very sociable this morning. 

Bob. Let's talk about something else. Jack, you 
tell her about the new editor of the Sandburn Echo. 

Betty. You haven't sold out, have you, Jack ? 

Jack. No, not yet. I have just been thinking of 
letting Bob stick around here while you run the paper. 
We will make him think he is managing things, but 
that is only on condition that you will stay on the job 
and see that things go right. 

Betty. I'll be glad to stay, Jack, and do what I 
can to help. With Mike to help us I think we can get 
along nicely, especially if you will keep us supplied 
with news from the front. But where is Ruth ? 

Jack. I left her with' mother to help pack up a 
few things I wish to take with me. I guess she is 
coming now. 

{Enter Ruth with traveling case.) 



1 8 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Ruth. Here you are, Jack. {Hands Jack travel- 
ing case.) Everything all packed and ready. 

Jack. Thank you, Ruth. How did mother seem 
when you left ? 

Ruth. Nobody will ever know just how your 
mother does feel, Jack. She is braver than all the 
rest and is determined to send her boy away with a 
smile. 

Jack. Dear little mother. It's hard to leave her. 
She will be lonesome and you must keep her company, 
Ruth. I will try to make her proud of me when I re- 
turn. 

Ruth. We are proud of you now, Jack, and know 
you will do the best you can. The things you are tak- 
ing seem so little. Won't you take an extra blanket 
or something along? 

Jack. No, I would only be bothered with sending 
it back. Uncle Sam will see to all that when we reach 
camp. By the way, Ruth, I want you to meet my old 
friend, Bobbie. I guess you have heard me tell about 
him enough to know who he is. 

(Ruth and Bob shake hands.) 

Bob. I am glad to meet you, Miss Hardnock. I 
certainly would have known you anywhere just from 
Jack's wonderful descriptions of you. 

Ruth. How do you do, Mr. White. I have heard 
a great deal about you from Jack and I am very glad 
to know you. 

Bob. Yes, Jack and I have had some fine times to- 
gether in the good old days gone by. Say, Jack, do 
you remember those nifty Ramsey girls ? 

(Jack tries to motion for Bob to keep still, Ruth 
turns and sees him and Jack acts as if he is scratch- 
ing his head.) 

Ruth. Why, Jack ! You never told me about those 
girls. Mr. White, I think I will have to have a little 
talk with you, in private, about Jack's early career. 

Jack. Oh, you mean those fat, homely Ramsey 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 19 

girls. Honestly, Ruth, I had forgotten to mention 
them to you. Some of Bobbie's friends. By the way, 
Bobbie, I want to see you alone for a few minutes be- 
fore I leave. And, Ruth, we haven't told you yet that 
Bob and Betty are going to take charge of the paper 
and run it for a while or try to sell for a fair price. 

Ruth. Oh, I am so glad. I was afraid you would 
have to shut it up and lose everything. I wonder if 
they would take me on the reporting staff. I can get 
all the Aid Society news each week. How about it, 
Betty ? Could you use me a little ? 

Betty. Surely, Ruth. We will be very glad for 
your help. I don't know how we will make it go but 
we will do the very best we can. 

Bob. That we will, and while Jack is over there 
dodging German bullets we will be over here dodging 
American bill collectors. 

Jack. That reminds me of something I was going 
to mention. How are your finances ? I am afraid that 
my salary as a soldier will hardly be sufficient to allow 
me to pay very big wages. 

Bob. Now you just forget all about that part of it. 
I'm broke, as usual, but will get along, as usual. I'll go 
out and collect a few advertising bills and back sub- 
scriptions. 

Betty. I have a little money, Jack, and you are 
welcome to it, but right now it is tied up in a Liberty 
Bond subscription. 

Jack. I thank you, Betty. But I hardly think that 
will be necessary. I have a little cash on hand and I 
will place a hundred dollars subject to check in the 
bank, for running expenses, until you can do a little 
collecting. 

Bob. All right, Jack, but we will not use the money 
unless we find it necessary. 

Betty (putting on her hat). If you folks will ex- 
cuse me I will go to the post-office for some postage 
stamps. 

Jack. Certainly, Betty. I'll see you again before I 
leave. 



20 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Bob (starting for door). May I go with you, Miss 
Hart? I may be able to help you carry your stamps 
or something. 

Betty. How thoughtful of you ! 

(Exit Betty and Bob.) 

Ruth. They seem to be getting acquainted pretty 
fast. 

Jack. Yes, leave that to Bob. Bobbie is a mighty 
fine fellow but I am afraid he will not pay as much 
attention to the newspaper as he will to the editor. 
But then I can't blame him. Betty is a fine girl and 
Bob has a great big heart and will make some girl a 
good husband. 

Ruth. Did you talk to father again, Jack? 

Jack. Yes, I had another talk with him but he is 
determined and absolutely refuses to give his consent 
to our marriage. He seems to have no other objec- 
tion than that he wants you to marry a man with 
money. 

Ruth. Why should we let that make any differ- 
ence, Jack? I love father and would hate to do any- 
thing that would displease him, but at the same time 
we must not let him spoil both of our lives. 

Jack. I am glad to hear you talk like that, Ruth. 
It simply proves to me what a treasure I am getting, 
but I cannot allow you to make this sacrifice now while 
I have nothing in return to offer you. 

Ruth. Yes, Jack, you have. You have love and 
happiness to offer, and what more is there in this life 
that is worth having? But we can wait, Jack, and 
when you return from the army, no matter what hap- 
pens, I will be waiting for you. 

Jack. I know you will, little sweetheart, and the 
thought will help to make of me a better man and a 
better soldier, for I shall work from day to day with 
a determination to come home again and with a record 
that you will not be ashamed of. 

Ruth. And while you are gone I shall be making 
my wedding dress. You see, I am already learning 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 21 

how to do useful things. ( Unwraps package and gives 
Jack military sweater.) This is my first attempt at 
knitting and if you laugh I will cry. 

Jack {examines sweater). Thank you, Ruth. I 
appreciate it more than you can know. You are some 
little knitter. But there are no sleeves in it. (Holding 
it up.) Surely you don't expect me to get both arms 
shot off, do you? 

Ruth. Oh, Jack, don't joke about it like that. No- 
body knows what might happen, but my prayer is that 
whether wounded or not that God will "bring you back 
to me. Inside of the sweater, where it will come right 
over your heart and nobody will ever know it is there, 
I have embroidered a little poem and when the winds 
sound loud and cold in the winter time or soft and 
lonesome at night you can read it, Jack, and know that 
they are bringing you a message from me. 

Jack (turns sweater wrong side out and reads). 

My prayers are on the singing winds, 

That sing about at night ; 
That flap the canvas on the tent 

And flick the candle-light. 

My prayers are on the singing winds, 

That sing at break of day, 
That waken mighty armies up 

And send the night away. 

My prayers are on the singing winds, 

That whistle loud and shrill, 
Across the raging battle-field, 

Or whisper soft and still. 

My prayers are on the singing winds, 

That cross the mighty sea. 
This is my prayer on all the winds : 

" God, bring him back to me." 

Jack. Why, Ruth, you are a regular little poet as 
well as a seamstress and I am sure that with a prayer 



22 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

like that next to my heart nothing can happen. It will 
be a comfort to me when things go wrong, and when I 
return from the army you can make our living by tak- 
ing in sewing and writing poetry. 

{Takes her in his arms a moment.) 

{Enter Bob and Betty.) 

Bob. All aboard, Jack. The car is waiting out- 
side. There's quite a bunch of the boys out there to 
see you off. 

{Enter Mike from press room.) 

Jack. All right, Bob. I'll be there in a minute. 
{Hands sweater to Ruth.) Will you please put this 
in the suit-case, Ruth? {Takes hat and coat, shakes 
hands with Mike.) Well, Mike, old boy, £ood-bye. 
Don't give up the ship. You have a good crew to 
work with and I think you will get along all right. 

Mike. Good-bye, Jack, and the luck of the Irish 
go wid yez. Don't yez be worryin' about us. Begora, 
we'll double yer shubscription list before yez get back. 
{Exit Ruth, Jack, Betty and Bob, c. d. Mike goes 
to door and watches them. Outside Jack is heard to 
bid good-bye, answered by a crowd as auto horn sounds 
and car starts.) Begora, if all Americans were like 
Jack this war wouldn't last two minutes. Oi'd hate to 
be th' Heinie phwat mates 'im whin he goes over the 
top. 

'{Exit Mike into press room.) 
{Enter Ruth, Betty and Bob.) 

Bob. Well, here we are. All alone with a news- 
paper. The whole force is here. Editors, reporters, 
devils, typesetters and all. What do we do first? 

Betty. About the first thing to do is to get some 
copy written, some type set and some papers printed 
by to-morrow night. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 2$ 

Ruth. Yes, the paper is supposed to come out to- 
morrow. 

Bob. All right, that sounds easy. Ruth can get 
busy and do some reporting, you can write some copy 
and Mike can set the type. 

Betty. And what will you do ? 

Bob. Oh, I'll just sort of take charge of the office, 
wait on customers, write poetry and overlook things. 

Betty. Yes, I imagine you will overlook quite a 
few things. By the way, here is a letter for you from 
Omaha. It came with Jack's mail this morning. 

(Betty hands Bob letter. He examines envelope.) 

Ruth. I'll bet it's from his city girl. Is it ad- 
dressed in a lady's handwrite, Betty ? 

Betty. No, it's typewritten and isn't even per- 
fumed. 

Bob. From my gun club. (Looks at letter.) Mow 

I wonder what they are after ? 

Ruth. A good way to find out, Bob, is to read it. 

(Bob opens letter.) 

Betty. It's a dun for your back dues, probably. 

Ruth. Or a notice of expulsion for being such a 
poor shot. , N 

Bob. Just listen to this, will you? (Reads) 
" Dear Bob. While you are out in the wild and woolly 
west will you please look over the country and see if 
you can secure a hunting reserve with a good-sized 
lake upon it that can be fixed up for duck hunting for 
the club. Price not much of a consideration if you can 
get the right kind of a place. Draw on us for the 
amount if you find something satisfactory. Very 
truly yours, Frank Linn, Secretary, Wild Goose Gun 
Club " Well what do vou know about that? Is there 
any such a place around here, Betty? You don't mind 
my calling you " Betty," do you? You see we are go- 
ing to be^so busy around here running this paper and 
4 it takes such a long time to say " Miss Hart. It s 
just so much time wasted in extra words. 



24 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Betty. No, I don't mind — Bob. \He starts 
towards her.) That is just during business hours. 
Why, yes, there are several good lakes around here 
where Jack says the duck hunting is good during the 
season. 

Ruth. There is a large lake on one of my father's 
farms. I am sure he would be glad to sell it, as I have 
often heard him say that it was waste land and brought 
in no returns. 

Bob. Ah, at last I have an idea. You know I have 
just sort of felt ideas floating around in the air all 
morning but I couldn't seem to get next to one. But 
when Ruth spoke about her father it set me to going. 
Why, say, do you know that old pill, excuse me, Ruth, 
for calling your father an old pill but he is one, ac- 
tually tried to persuade Jack that it was perfectly O. 
K. if he could put something across and make a lot of 
money. He tried to make him believe it was all right 
to get the best of the other fellow when possible. He 
called it shrewd, cunning business ingenuity and 
claimed that one-half the world were giving their 
money away to the other half every day, and that a 
fellow was entitled to all he could get no matter how 
he got it. 

Betty. But what does he mean by this " business 
ingenuity " ? 

Bob. Well, I don't know exactly, but I might ex- 
plain it something like this. When Jack and I were 
in school together I was usually broke and Jack was 
always helping me out. I couldn't attend the base- 
ball games because I couldn't make the team and I 
didn't have the price of a ticket. Jack was on the 
team and the only member they had who could bat 
the ball over the fence. I was always out there by a 
certain little tree and during the practice before the 
game Jack would manage to boost one over. I would 
get it and they would let me in free for returning the 
ball. Now that's what you might call ingenuity. 

Ruth. I would call it plain graft. 

Bob. What was the harm? The club wouldn't 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 2$ 

have had any of my money, anyway, because I didn't 
have any. And I saw the game from the bleachers 
instead of from the top of one of the trees outside. I've 
always wanted to pay Jack back for the things he did 
for me while in school, and if I can help him out now 
I'll do the best I can. 

Betty. But what has all this to do with your big 
idea ? 

Bob. Simply this. We will try a little of this in- 
genuity stuff on Mr. Hardnock and see how he likes it. 
Show him where it is wrong and if possible win his 
consent to the marriage of Ruth and Jack. 

Ruth. That all sounds very well but how will we 
do it? 

Bob. Well, in the first place we must organize a 
company. When any real crooked work is to be pulled 
off there is always a company to lay the blame on. 
I think a real estate company would be best suited 
for our purpose. Suppose we organize the R. B. 
Skinem Real Estate Company. R. will stand for Ruth, 
B. for Betty and Skinem for me. 

Ruth. I think that is a good name for a real es- 
tate company. 

Betty. Yes, and it sounds so businesslike. 

Bob. All right, then. That's settled. The R. B. 
Skinem Real Estate Company is now organized and 
ready for business. Ruth can be president, Betty sec- 
retary and I will be general manager and local repre- 
sentative. We must keep the personnel of the com- 
pany a secret and I will act as its agent. Now my 
idea, just for a starter, is this. We will let the com- 
pany buy a lake from Mr. Hardnock for as small a 
sum as possible and then sell the lake to the Wild 
Goose Gun Club for as large a sum as possible. Then 
we will let the information leak out to Mr. Hardnock 
that the lake was resold for a fabulous sum and watch 
him rave about it. 

(Hardnock heard speaking off stage.) 

Ruth. There comes father, now. 



26 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Bob. I'll just slip in and tell Mike what we are go- 
ing to do. Perhaps he can help us. I'll come back 
when your father gets here and you folks can take your 
cue from me. 

(Exit Bob to press room.) 

Betty. I'm afraid Bob will get us into deep water. 
I commence to feel like a thief already. 

Ruth. Don't worry. I only hope we can get the 
best of father for once. It will do him good. 

(Enter Hardnock c. d.) 

Hardnock. Oh, so here you are, eh? Here I've 
been running my legs off all over town looking for 
you. I had just about decided that you had gone away 
with your soldier hero. Come, get your hat on and 
we'll be going home. 

Ruth. I will not be home till evening, father. I 
have accepted a position as reporter for the Sandburn 
Echo and my new duties require my presence here. 

Hardnock. You've done what? Great jumping 
grasshoppers, Ruth, have you lost your senses ? 

Ruth. No, I've just found them. 

Hardnock. You have, eh? Well, we'll see about 
that. Perhaps it's just as well, though, to let you get 
a little taste of what will happen if you insist upon 
marrying your pauper sweetheart and are obliged to 
earn your own living. 

Ruth. I shall remain here, at least for the present. 
As for Jack, all I ask is that you hold no grudge against 
him that will prevent your consenting to our marriage 
should he come to you again with money. 

Hardnock. He has my promise and I will offer 
no objections to the marriage when he can show me a 
deposit to his credit of fifty thousand dollars. But 
you will die of old age if you wait for him. Jack is 
too honest to make money. He does not have that 
sense of shrewd, business ingenuity that I possess. 

Ruth. I would rather have Jack, poor and just as 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 2J 

he is, than to have some heartless, scheming rascal with 
all the money in the world. 

Hardnock. You may think so now, but you have 
never tasted the bitterness of poverty as I have. I 
can see nothing wrong in getting the best of the other 
fellow if you can. That's business. It's being done 
to-day and every other day. I say let the best man 
win. Anybody is certainly welcome to anything they 
can get out of me. 

{Enter Bob from press room.) 

Bob {looks around then goes to Betty's desk). 
How do you do? Is the editor in? 

Betty. I am the person in charge at present. 
What can I do for you ? 

Bob. My name is White. Bob White for long. 
Bob for short. A bachelor who is short but I hope not 
for long. 

Betty. You mean you hope you will not be short, 
long. Is that it ? 

Bob. Exactly, and since meeting you I also hope I 
may not be a bachelor long, either. 

Betty. Sir! How dare you, a stranger, talk to 
me like that? 

Bob. Excuse me. I beg your pardon. I represent 
the R. B. Skinem Real Estate Company. (Mr. Hard- 
nock becomes interested.) We skin 'em either dead 
or alive. Our company has a contract with a bunch 
of rich ducks in the east to buy a lake in this neck of 
the woods for a duck hunting reserve. 

Betty. But there are no woods around here. It's 
all sand. 

Bob. That makes no difference. Ducks don't light 
in trees anyway. I simply wish to insert an ad in 
your paper to the effect that I am in the market for a 
good first-class lake with water in it. 

Betty. All right. {Hands him pad and pencil.) 
Just write your ad here, please. Ten cents a line. 
Cash in advance. {Bob twites.) Do you know of any 
lakes for sale around here, Ruth ? 



28 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Ruth. Why, yes, there are plenty of places for sale, 
but what's the use of paying money for a place to 
hunt ducks on? There are plenty of places to hunt 
around here without paying for it. 

Hardnock. Ahem. Excuse me, young man, but 
did I understand you to say that you were in the 
market for a lake around here ? My name is Hardnock 
and I usually knock 'em hard. 

(Bob and Hardnock shake hands.) 

Bob. And I represent the R. B. Skinem Company 
and we usually skin 'em hard. I am out here to skin 
somebody out of a lake. 

Hardnock. I think I have just the place you want. 
It's a lovely lake just a short distance from town. 
Its beautiful shores are lined with mother earth and 
during the hunting season its tranquil surface is fairly 
obliterated by the great mass of ducks resting upon its 
smiling bosom. 

Bob. You are sure there are plenty of ducks, then? 

Hardnock. Ducks, millions of them. Why, man, 
it's absolutely dangerous to be standing around that 
lake in the evening when there is a big flight on. You 
are in danger of being knocked down and rolled into 
the lake. The churches of the town have closed their 
evening services during the season on account of the 
noise of cackling geese and ducks. They make such a 
noise the people can't hear the preacher. I remember 
one fall a few years ago when all of a sudden one night 
it turned very cold and froze the legs of every wild 
fowl that was on the lake, in the ice. Well, the next 
morning a few of us went down to get some fries and 
the whole bunch just naturally up and flew away with 
the lake. That's the reason why it isn't as large now 
as it was. It hasn't entirely filled up yet. 

Bob. I think the location will be satisfactory if it 
is as you represent it. How much do you ask for the 
property ? 

Hardnock. Well, I hardly know. It depends 
somewhat on circumstances. For instance, how much 
have you got ? 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 2<) 

Bob. My resources are such, Mr. Hardnock, that 
they cause me no worry. However, I claim to be a 
shrewd business man with lots of ingenuity, so if you 
make a deal with me it must be at a bargain. Now 
what is the very lowest price that you would consider ? 

Hardnock. I always try to get the other fellow to 
name his figure and then I raise it a little. However, 
I have rather taken a liking to you and so I will make 
you a very low price of one thousand dollars. I have 
always held that lake at fifteen hundred. 

Bob. You are a little high, Mr. Hardnock. You 
see I always try to get the other fellow to name his 
figure and then lower it a little. It's good business, 
you know. Now I figure that nine hundred dollars 
would be about right for the place. 

Hardnock. Nothing doing! Not one cent less 
than a thousand can I take. Can't even consider it. 

Bob. Very well, you know your own business. 
Then I must look elsewhere. (Turns to Betty.) By 
the way, who owns that fine large lake I saw from 
the train as I came into town? 

Betty. Mr. J. H. Robinson. I understand that he 
holds that at eight hundred dollars. 

Bob. The deuce he does. Say, boy, he is just the 
man I want to see. (Puts on hat and starts for door.) 
Never mind about printing that ad. I'll see you all 
later. 

Hardnock. Just a minute, young man. (Bob 
stops.) Upon second consideration I don't know but 
what I might as well meet his price on that lake. It's 
worth more money than that, but I really don't need the 
place and guess I might as well let it go. 

Bob. Well, a lake is a lake as far as I am concerned 
and if you are willing to take the seven hundred, 
why 

Hardnock. You mean the eight hundred. 

Bob. No, I mean the seven hundred. Didn't I say 
seven hundred, girls? 

Ruth. That's the way I understood it. 

Hardnock. Well, you understood it wrong. You 



3° 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 



don't want to buy a lake. You want somebody to give 
you one. I can't even consider your proposition. I 
will take eight hundred but not a cent less. 

(Enter Mike.) 

Mike ( has sheet of paper in his hand) . Miss Betty, 
do yez want to have this ad run another week ? 

Betty. What ad is that, Mike? 

Mike. This ad of Mr. Brown's say in' he wants to 
sell his lake fer six hoondred dollars. 

Betty. Oh, yes, to be sure. I had forgotten about 
that. Yes, Mike, run it another week. 

Bob. Say, let me see that ad a minute. {Takes 
paper from Mike and looks at it.) Why, here is a 
lake advertised for sale at six hundred dollars. Is it a 
good lake to hunt on? 

Mike. It is one of the best duck lakes around 
here. Are yez in th' market fer a lake, sor ? 

Bob. Well I should say I am. Do you know where 
I can get in touch with this man Brown? 

Mike. No, but there's a Misther Hardy who lives 
a coupla miles beyant th' town, who has a foine lake 
fer sale. I heard him say he'd take five hoondred and 
fifty dollars fer it. 

Bob. He is the bird I want to see. (Hands Mike 
paper.) Thanks. Sorry that we cannot come to 
terms, Mr. Hardnock, but I must do business where 
I can do the best. A fellow must look out for himself 
nowadays or somebody is apt to get the best of him. 

(Starts off.) 

Hardnock. Hold on, hold on. Those fellows can't 
underbid me like that and get away with it. We'll see 
who's selling lakes around here. I'll meet Harding's 
price. It's simply giving the thing away, but they can't 
put one over on me like that. 

Bob. Well, I don't know but what I ought to look 
at this Harding lake first, but if you are willing to let 
yours go for five hundred dollars I guess we might 
as well close the deal. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 3 1 

Hardnock. Yes, for goodness' sakes, yes. Take it 
quick before you get any lower. The first thing I 
know you will be wanting me to pay you something for 
taking it off of my hands. Get a contract drawn and 
we will sign up. I believe in having things done in a 
businesslike way, especially when you are dealing with 
such a slippery eel. 

Bob. All right. Thanks. I'll go right down to the 
lawyers and have a contract drawn up and return it 
here for you to sign. One hundred dollars cash down 
and four hundred on final settlement in say four weeks' 
time. So long. 

(Exit Bob c. d.) 

Hardnock. Mike, why in thunder did you come 
blundering in just as you did and spoil things? I was 
just about to land him for eight hundred dollars when 
you came in and spilled the beans. That little speel 
of yours cost me just three hundred dollars. 

Ruth. Don't blame Mike, father. How could he 
know that you were on a deal ? 

Hardnock. No, I suppose not, but it looks mighty 
suspicious just the same. Oh, I got more than it is 
worth, anyway. The water in that lake is so impure 
that even the cattle won't drink it. I call that putting 
it over in pretty good shape. I guess I'll walk down 
to the office and get the mail while I am waiting for 
the contract. 

(Exit Hardnock c. d.) 

Mike. Begora, Oi belave he thinks Oi did it on 
purpose. 

Betty. And I'm afraid you did, Mike. You are 
in bad now for sure. 

Ruth. You were pretty clever at it just the same. 
I think the Skinem Real Estate Company will have to 
give you some of the commission. 

Betty. Do you think that we are treating your 
father just exactly right, Ruth ? 

Ruth. I don't care whether we are or not. Father 



XI A DEAL IN DUCKS 

had no business talking to Jack as he did, ancl I would 
like to be one to help teach him a lesson. 

(Enter Bob, very excited. Has newspaper in hand.) 

Bob. Listen, folks! What do you think of this? 
(Reads.) "Potash discovered in Lakes of Western 
Nebraska." The morning papers are full of the re- 
ports. (Bob spreads paper out on desk. Ruth> 
Betty and Mike crowd around trying to read. Bob 
reads.) "After months of secret tests and experi- 
ments the Government announces that the waters of 
many of the lakes of Western Nebraska, especially 
around Alliance and Sandburn, contain enormous de- 
posits of potash. The war has boosted the price of 
potash tremendously and ranchers wake up in the 
morning to find themselves millionaires. Milling com- 
panies have already leased many of the lakes. Farmers 
are advised to have the water on their farms analyzed 
before entering into contracts with strangers." (Turns 
pages of paper.) Everything in the paper seems to be 
about potash. 

Betty. That will mean a big boom for this coun- 
try. Who would have thought that they would ever 
discover anything in these sand piles? 

Ruth. What if there should be potash in father's 
lake? 

Bob. By George, that's right. Say, where is he, 
anyway? If he gets wind of this he will never sign 
up that contract. 

Ruth. He just went down-town for the mail. 

Bob. We must head him off somehow. If he ever 
gets his mail and gets a squint at the paper it will be 
good-night for us. 

Betty. Mike, you hurry down the back way and 
beat Mr. Hardnock to the post-office if you can. Get 
his mail and bring it up here. 

Mike (puts on hat and hurries out c. d.). Begora, 
if I get pinched fer this job yez all will have to go 
me bail. 

(Exit.) 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 



33 



Ruth. I will go down the front way. Perhaps I 
can overtake father and persuade him to come back. 
At least I can keep him from talking to other people. 

(Exit Ruth c. d.) 

Betty. Gee, this is getting exciting. And we 
don't know whether there is anything to get excited 
about yet or not. 

Bob. Possibly not, still I feel that there is a chance. 

Betty. So do I. Especially as Mr. Hardnock 
made a remark about the water being so polluted that 
the cattle don't like it. Do cattle like potash? 

Bob. I don't know. I never heard of any one 
feeding it to them. What worries me is how are we 
going to get this contract signed up before the gentle- 
man with business ingenuity gets next to what's up? 

Betty. We're regular crooks, aren't we? 

Bob. This is the first time I ever took part in a 
genuine swindle, but I rather like it. Especially with 
such a peach for an accomplice. 

Betty. Never mind your pretty speeches during 
office hours. Better be figuring on a way to pay for 
this lake. 

Bob. By golly ! That's right. I suppose we'll have 
to pay for it, won't we ? 

Betty. Yes, I suppose we will. 

Bob. Funny, but I never thought of that. How in 
the dickens will we do it? 

Betty. I haven't the least idea. This is your deal, 
you know. 

Bob. Oh, yes, I know all right and I have just 
exactly ninety-eight cents, a collar button and two 
shingle nails. 

Betty. Rather small capital to start a real estate 
business on, isn't it? 

Bob. Yes. It's what you might call "mixed col- 
lateral." I have it. 

Betty. What, the money ? 

Bob. No, a scheme. I will use their letter and 
draw on the Gun Club for the money. 



34 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 



Betty. And that will give the Gun Club a claim 
on the lake if it should prove to be valuable. 

Bob. That's so. Well, then, we will have to use the 
hundred dollars that Jack left to pay the running ex- 
penses of the paper with. 

Betty. And what about the paper ? 

Bob. It may run us a little close but we will man- 
age somehow. 

Betty. And how about the other four hundred dol- 
lars we are to pay in four weeks? 

Bob. I don't know exactly, but there's no use to 
worry about that for four weeks. I guess we can 
raise the money somehow. Just leave things to me 
and don't worry. 

{Enter Ruth and Hardnock. She has him by the 
arm and is urging him in. ) 

Ruth. Here is father, Mr. White. I was for- 
tunate in overtaking him before he had gone very far. 

Hardnock. What's the all-fired rush ? You'd think 
it was a case of life and death to get this contract 
signed up. There I was, almost down to the post- 
office, but nothing would do but that I must hurry 
right back. Now I will have to go clear back again 
for the mail and here I haven't even seen a morning 
paper. 

Betty. Never mind, Mr. Hardnock, Mike is going 
to the office and I will have him bring your mail here. 

Hardnock (sees paper on desk). Ah, there's a 
paper now. 

(Hardnock and Betty reach paper at same time. 
Ruth screams, Betty lets go of paper. All ex- 
cited. ) 

Betty. Oh, excuse me. 

Hardnock. Molly Jones, Ruth, what's the matter? 
Ruth. Why, I — I — hardly know. I guess I saw a 
mouse or something. 
Betty. Mouse ! 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 35 

(Screams and both Betty and Ruth get on chairs.) 

Hardnock. Well, there's no use in making such a 
fuss about it. (Starts to unfold paper.) 

Bob. Keep still, folks. I see the little rascal. 
(Advances towards Hardnock.) Don't anybody 
move or you will scare it away. Let me have the 
paper a minute, Mr. Hardnock, and I will kill it. 
(Takes paper and makes plunge as if for mouse. Up- 
sets waste paper basket and emerges with newspaper 
rolled up holding each end. ) Ah, I have the little thief 
inside this paper. Here is where you depart this 
troublesome life. 

(Pretends to step on paper.) 

Ruth. Oh, don't kill the poor little thing. Throw 
it out of the window. 

Bob. Although I am naturally hard hearted I can- 
not refuse your tender pleadings. (Goes to window ) 
There you go, you little robber. (Throws paper out 
of window.) Good-bye and good luck. 

Hardnock. Thunderation ! .There goes the paper 
and I haven't seen a headline this morning. 

Bob. Excuse me. I forgot you hadn't seen the 
paper. Mike will soon be here now with your mail 
Meanwhile we might as well get the contract signed 
up (Takes contract from his pocket. Places it on 
desk.) Here it is, all in proper form and only needing 
your signature to close the deal. 

Hardnock (sits at desk and takes pen). Where do 
I sign ? On this line ? 

Bob. Yes, right here. Your full name, please. 

Hardnock (about to sign, then lays down pen and 
takes out spectacles). Guess I'll have to get out my 
other eyes. I can't see as well as I could once. 

(As he is about to sign Mike enters c. d. with paper 
and few letters which he places on desk in front 
of Hardnock.) 



36 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Mike. Here's yer mail, Misther Hardnock. I was 
down to the office so I brot ut along with me. 

Hardnock. Thanks, Mike; I was just wanting it. 

(Starts to look at mail. Bob takes paper.) 

Bob. If you don't mind I will look over the head- 
lines while you are signing the contract. 

Hardnock. Sure, help yourself. (Picks up letter 
and looks at it.) Here's a letter from the National 
Potash Company. I wonder what they can want with 
me. 

(Starts to open letter.) 

Ruth. Better sign the contract, father, and then 
take your time to look over your mail. 

Hardnock. Yes, yes. (Signs contract and hands 
it to Bob.) There you are. A contract for the sale 
of the lake. One hundred dollars now and four hun- 
dred more on final settlement. 

Bob. Thanks, and here's a check for the hundred. 
(Hands him check.) And here's your paper. 

(Hands him newspaper.) 

Hardnock (glances at paper). What's this? 
(Reads.) " Potash discovery in lakes near Sandburn 
worth millions." Where's that letter? (Hurriedly 
opens letter and reads.) "Mr. John Hardnock. 
Dear Sir: We understand you own a lake near Sand- 
burn. Our man is on his way to see you. Do not 
lease your lake until you see him. Yours truly, Na- 
tional Potash Company." (Hardnock rubs hands, 
pleased.) Ah, fine, fine. At last I am about to make 
a killing that is worth while. 

Bob. Excuse me, Hardnock, but you mean that the 
R. B. Skinem Real Estate Company are about to make 
a killing. (Holds up contract.) You forget that 
they own the lake. 

Hardnock. So that is your little game, is it? I 
see through it all now. I have been robbed. You are 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 37 

all in this deal together. You are all a bunch of crooks 
and I'll have the whole gang arrested. 

Bob. Allow me to make another correction, please. 
We are not crooks but we simply use a large amount 
of keen, shrewd business ingenuity. 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Four weeks later. Dis- 
covered, Betty writing copy on typewriter, Ruth 
writing with pencil, Bob seated at desk operating 
typewriter. He stops writing, stares crt the wall for 
a time, frowns, and taking the paper from the ma- 
chine he wads it up and throws it on the floor. The 
floor is covered with balls of paper. 

Ruth. Oh, dear me. I've tried to think until my 
head is in a whirl. How are you getting along, Bob? 

Bob. Don't ask me. I haven't a thing yet but a 
lot ol wadded up paper balls. But I will not give up 
as long as the paper holds out. 

{Takes out another sheet and throws it away.) 

Ruth. The paper comes out to-morrow, you know. 

Bob. Yes, I know. And we haven't enough copy 
to half fill the blamed thing in spite of the full page 
free advertisements we are running. Do you see that 
crack on the wall? 

Ruth. Yes, I have been watching it for some 
time. 

Bob. Well, that crack has busted up several good 
thoughts for me. Just as my brain gets to working 
well I find myself watching that crack and the first 
thing I know I am wondering how far it runs behind 
that desk. Then I am clear off the track again. 

(Enter Mike from press room, apron on and printer's 
stick in hand.) 

Mike. Have yez anny more copy ready? 
Bob. Just a minute, Mike. (Looks through pile 
of papers on desk.) Don't be in such a hurry, Mike. 

38 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 39 

You make me nervous, bobbing in here every little 
while and calling for more copy. 

Mike. Begora th' paper comes out th' morn. 

Bob. Yes, I know. I have been reminded of it 
several times already this morning, and besides I knew 
it myself. Don't worry, Mike. Just leave it to me. 

Mike. Begora, we left it to yez. That's phwat 
I'm a-worryin' about. 

Bob {takes paper from pile and hands it to Mike). 
There is an item. It will keep you busy for a little 
while. Better read it over and see how it sounds. 

Mike {reads). " Whit Upton's pigs broke out last 
week and rooted up a fine patch of garden truck." 
Hard luck, Whit. Begora, that's excitin' news. We 
ought t' git out an extry on thot. 

Bob. All right, laugh at it if you want to but go 
ahead and set it up. And, Mike, if you finish before 
noon you might go to the office and bring the mail. 

{Exit Mike to press room.) 

Betty {stops writing and takes paper from ma- 
chine). There, I have finished that elopement case 
and it will help out considerably. 

{Telephone rings,) 

Bob. There goes that blame telephone again. I 
wonder who has a kick coming now. You answer it, 
Ruth. I'm afraid it is Mrs. Brown. 

Ruth. Not I. I am not over the last calling down 
I received for some of your mistakes. You got those 
headlines mixed up yourself and now you will have 
to get out of it the best way you can. 

{Telephone rings emphatically.) 

Bob, Yes, yes. Ring on, merry bells. I'm coming. 

{Places receiver to ear.) Hello yes, this is the 

Echo office. . , . . .Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown, how do you 
do? Nice day, isn't it? {Aside.) That's who it is, 
all right. {Talks in telephone.) What's that? 



40 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

You say you want to talk to the manager ? Yes 

— no — that is — the manager is not in just at present. 

No, you see he went fishing this morning 

Oh, yes, in regard to the heading on your wedding- 
write-up Yes, it was the fault of our typesetter. 

Yes, you see he got a prohibition meeting head- 
line mixed up with your wedding write-up. That's 
how he came to get " The Fight is On " at the head of 

your wedding write-up Sure, we will fire him 

right away Certainly, but don't talk like that 

over the telephone. It's against the law, you know. 
Good-day. (Hangs up receiver.) You just ought to 
hear that woman rave. I'll bet the fight is on most of 
the time at her ranch. 

Ruth. I don't know that I blame her much. Be- 
sides it was your fault and not Mike's for getting 
those headlines mixed up. 

Bob. No, it was Mike's fault. He got behind with 
his work and I was only trying to help him out. 

Betty. Yes, he got behind while waiting for us to 
write copy. How much have you in that pile on your 
desk that will do to print ? 

Bob. Well, I hardly know. I have just about run 
dry. I never knew before how hard it is to get news 
items in a dead town where nothing ever happens. 

Betty. Why, things are lively now compared with 
what they were when Jack was here. 

Bob. Yes, I know. Jack could fill up half the 
paper lamenting on the dull times but I can't. Here 
is one item that I think might do. I tried out a great 
scheme and it works fine. I describe everything in 
full. In as many words as I can think up. It helps 
fill up a lot and besides gives the public lots more 
information than they usually get. Here is the item. 
(Reads.) "The large and handsome, fawn-colored, 
two year and one-half year old Jersey cow belonging to 
Frederick Ribshaw Jones, Esquire, our popular and 
well dressed fellow citizen " 

Ruth. Yes, Rib is a swell dresser all right. 

Bob. " Citizen, can be daily seen wandering from 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 41 

the far end of his pasture lot to the other far end 
of it." 

Betty. His! His pasture lot? The Jersey's? 

Bob. No, Rib's. 

Betty. That's thrilling information. I can see the 
crowd now surrounding the newsboys, throwing the 
money at them and demanding a copy of the paper. 
But we'll use it, only don't read any more, please. I 
feel weaker than I did and I wasn't very strong before. 

Bob. I'd like to see what you think of this poetry. 
It seems pretty good to me, but a man is never the 
best judge of his own poetry. {Picks up paper.) I 
haven't made up any name for it yet. (Reads.) 

" Oh, the orphan boy stood on the hill, 
The wind blew cold and very chill, 
But there he saw the little rill," 

©o you notice how she swings? Somehow it doesn't 
sound as good as when I was writing it. 

". . . little rill, 
That curved and splattered round the hill." 

It's hard to get out of those Hill, chill, ill rhymes 
once you strike 'em. 

" And the orphan boy stood there until, 
The wind and all gave him a chill, 
And he sickened " 

Betty. Oh, stop, stop. Don't read the finish or I 
can never stand it. 

(Enter Mike. Has bundle of letters and papers.) 

Ruth. Oh, here is the mail. Have you a letter 
for me, Mike? 

Mike (lays mail on Bob's desk. Holds one letter 
behind his back). Oi'm afeard not. Sure and Oi'm 
a-thinkin' he has anither gurl be this time. 

Ruth (looking over mail). I wonder what is the 



42 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

matter. Jack never misses sending me at least a card. 
Are you sure there was no letter, Mike ? 

Mike. Nary a letther, onless p'r'aps 'tis this. 

{Holds up letter.) 

Ruth. There, I thought so. {Grabs for letter. 
Mike jumps back.) Let me have it, Mike. Please! 

(Mike holds it high and Ruth jumps to get it. Exit 
Mike to press room.) 

Bob. Hurry up and read it, Ruth, and see if Jack 
has any report to make on our potash proposition. 
(Ruth opens and reads letter. Bob opens and reads 
letter.) Here are a lot of letters. I hope some of 
them contain some checks. {Telephone rings. Bob 

answers it.) Sandburn Echo Hello yes 

you say our bank account is overdrawn? 

Surely that must be a mistake Are you sure we 

are overdrawn? All right I'll be down with 

some checks and make a deposit All right, 

good-bye. {Hangs up receiver.) There's no use of 
that bank getting so huffy about a little overdraft. 
I might decide to take my account over to the other 
bank. 

Betty. And they might be glad to get rid of it, 
especially as there is never any money there. 

Bob (holding up letter). Here's a big fat letter from 
the Indian Patent Medicine Company. I hope there 
is another check in it for more advertising. {Opens 
letter and reads. ) " In regard to our advertisement 
of last week we wish to say that you had the thing so 
mixed up that it was of no value. Besides having our 
name upside down the ad was a slam on our medi- 
cine. Refund our money at once or we will start 
suit for damages." What nerve. I know that ad 
was all right because I fixed it myself. 

Betty. Yes, you fixed it all right. Instead of 
reading, " It makes you well," you had it reading, " It 
makes you swell." 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 43 

Bob. Well, that's nothing to get peeved about. 
Let them start suit if they want to and see if I care. 
(Opens another letter.) Here's a letter from the 
State Journal Company. I wonder what they want? 
Betty. Money, most likely. We owe for last 
week's ready prints yet. 

Bob. Yes, that's it. Here is what they say. 
(Reads.) ''Gentlemen: Not having received remit- 
tance for past due account we are shipping weekly 
supply of ready prints C. O. D. until back accounts are 
paid in full." 

Bob. They are not at all backward about asking 
for money. If they are not a little more careful we 
may have to buy our ready prints somewhere else. 
I guess you might as well send them a check, Betty. 
Betty. You forget our account is overdrawn. We 
have been overdrawn ever since you drew out that 
hundred dollars for the purchase of that lake. You 
said we would get along somehow. 

Bob. And haven't we been getting along, some- 
how? It will take a check several days to get back 
to the bank and meanwhile we may make a raise on 
this potash deal. 

Betty. It seems to me you are risking a good deal 
on this potash proposition. Suppose the lake should 
prove to be of no value ? 

Bob. Don't worry about that. It will be all right. 
I tell you that lake is full of potash and the price is 
going up every day. Just leave it to me. 

Betty. I'll leave it to you to write that check, all 
right. I'm getting in deep enough now without getting 
into trouble for writing worthless checks. 

Bob. All right, then. We won't send them any 
check. They don't need the money as much as we 
do anyway. (Opens letter.) Here's our last chance 
for a check to-day. (Unfolds letter and shakes it to 
see if check falls out. Reads.) "Gentlemen: Re- 
ferring to the error in our advertisement of last week 

we " (Bob throws letter down.) You read it, 

Betty. The public doesn't seem to appreciate what 



44 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

I am trying to do for it. (Gets up.) Has Jack had 
a report on our sample of potash yet, Ruth? (Ruth 
continues to read.) I say, Ruth. (She reads.) Hey, 
Ruth! (Bob talks louder each time.) 

Ruth. Oh, excuse me. Were you speaking? 

Bob. No, but I was yelling. Your letter must be 
interesting. What does Jack have to say about our 
potash proposition? 

Ruth. What do you think, folks? Jack has been 
transferred on account of his college preparation in 
chemistry and is doing special work for the Govern- 
ment relating to the production and refining of potash. 
Here is what he says. (Reads.) " In regard to the 
sample of water from your father's lake which you 
sent me we have tested it thoroughly and find that it is 

not " (Ruth hunts through her letter for the next 

page.) Now what did I do with that other page? I 
have it all mixed up. 

Bob. For goodness' sakes, hurry up and read the 
rest. Why did he ever start a new page at such an 
interesting place ? That word " not " makes me nerv- 
ous. 

Ruth. Oh, here it is. Right on the back of the 
same page. (Reads.) " It is not a question of plenty 
of potash but a question of how soon he can erect a 
mill and start production. The sample proves to be 
one of the finest we have yet tested and with the price 
of potash reaching the sky your father should make 
a million. I expect to be home in a few days on a 
short furlough and I may be able to give him some 
advice and be of some assistance." 

Bob. Hurrah! See there. What did I tell you? 
I knew it would be all right. But say, we mustn't let 
Jack know that we are in on this or he would never in 
the world let us go through with it. Not a single 
word to him who the Skinem Company really is until 
we hand him the money and then he can do as he 
likes. By the way, this is the day set for final settle- 
ment. 

Ruth. Yes, but have we the four hundred dollars ? 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 45 

Bob. No, we haven't four hundred cents. But 
don't worry. I'll get an extension to the contract wr 
raise something somehow. I'm good at raising things. 

Betty. Yes, especially at raising the dickens. 

(Enter Hardnock c. d.) 

Ruth. Good-morning, father. 

Hardnock. Well, Ruth, I see you are still deter- 
mined about that fool idea of earning your own living. 

Ruth. I have found no reason for changing my 
mind yet. 

Hardnock. Whenever you get tired of this non- 
sense you can return home and get something fit to eat. 

Ruth. I have not been so very hungry yet. In 
fact I think I have done pretty well in a business way 
so far. 

Hardnock. In a business way. If you call letting 
a fortune slip through your fingers doing pretty well I 
don't see how you figure it. If you care no more for 
money than to marry a man like Jack I shall take 
pains to see that you are never bothered with any of 
mine. 

Ruth. I believe you said that once before. 

Hardnock. Yes, and I'll say it again if necessary. 
But I did not come here for an argument. I came 
here to see that thief of a White about the final settle- 
ment for the lake. 

Bob. Here he is. Thanks for the compliment, old 
top. Have you the deed with you? 

Hardnock (takes deed from pocket). I have it 
here. I suppose there is no way to call the deal off. 

Bob. Perhaps there might be. In fact since you 
mention it, Mr. Hardnock, I am wondering if it would 
not be to the advantage of both of us for you to buy 
the lake back. For a consideration I think the R. B. 
Skinem Company which I represent might be induced 
to return the contract. 

Hardnock. How much do you want? 

Bob. Well, I hardly know. That depends upon 



46 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

circumstances, Mr. Hardnock; for instance, how much 
have you got? 

Hardnock. That has nothing to do with it. I will 
give you one thousand dollars to return the contract 
and not one cent more. 

Bob. I'm sorry but we couldn't consider it. You 
see I always try to get the other fellow to make his 
price and then I raise it a little. Give us fifty thousand 
dollars and we will waive all rights to the property. 

Hardnock. Fifty thousand grasshoppers ! What 
do you think I am ? Here is the deed to your dirty old 
lake. Now let's have the four hundred dollars. 

(Holds deed in hand.) 

Bob. Why, yes, — that is — to be sure, Betty, just 
hand Mr. Hardnock the four hundred and charge it 
to my account. 

Betty. Ruth handles all the finances and she has 
what money we have on hand. Ruth, pay your father 
four hundred dollars and charge it to Mr. White's 
account. 

Ruth. It just happens that I turned the money on 
hand over to Bob this morning to put in the bank. 

Bob. Yes, that's right. You see we always bank 
early in the morning, Mr. Hardnock, in order to cover 
our over — I mean so we will not have so much money 
lying around the office. I'll just write you a check. 

Hardnock. You'll do no such thing. I sold that 
lake for cash and not for checks. I believe you are a 
fake and a fraud. I don't believe you have four 
hundred dollars. 

Bob. You couldn't see your way clear to give us an 
extension to the contract, for say thirty days, could 
you? 

Hardnock. No, sir. Not one day. The contract 
calls for settlement to-day and I will give you till six 
o'clock to raise the money. If it is not forthcoming 
by then I will call the deal off and keep your hundred 
dollars for my trouble. You really had me worried 
for a minute, Mr. White, but I feel better now. I 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 47 

will go now and see what I can do to keep you from 
raising the money. Good-day. 

(Exit Hardnock c. d.) 

Bob. And the cold, bleak, wintry wind blew down 
the avenue. Gone but not forgotten. 

Betty. He didn't seem much inclined to extend the 
time any, did he? 

Ruth. We can't afford to fail now, Bob. Can't 
you think of some way out ? 

Bob. I can think of lots of ways in but none out. 
We might rob a bank or something. 

Betty. If we fail now what will we say to Jack 
about his hundred dollars? 

Bob. In my vast vocabulary there is no such word 
as fail. I'll go down town now and see what I can 
scare up. We have until six o'clock, you know, and 
lots of things can happen by then. I'll drop into the 
bank again and try them once more. Whistle a little 
and keep up your courage. I won't be gone long. 
Just leave it to me and don't worry. 

(Exit Bob c. d.) 

Ruth. Poor Bobbie! He is getting us all in a 
tangle. 

Betty. It doesn't appear to worry him any. Did 
you ever, in all your life, see any one so unconcerned 
about things? Honestly, I believe if he were to be 
shot at sunrise he would say " Don't worry, something 
will turn up, even if it is my toes." 

Ruth. Has he ever really and truly proposed, 
Betty? 

Betty. Yes, of course. He proposes regularly 
every night at ten o'clock. And what worries me is 
that he doesn't seem more worried. You see, I told 
him I was thinking of entering a convent. Don't you 
think that ought to worry him a little? 

Ruth. Then you do care for him? 

Betty. Sure I do. I made up my mind to marry 



48 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

him the day he arrived. Bobbie needs someone to 
worry for him. 

Ruth. I am glad of it, Betty. You and Bob will 
make a fine couple. And when Jack comes home we 
will have grand times together. I wonder how soon 
he will be home. (Telephone rings and Ruth an- 
swers.) Hello yes, this is Ruth Hardnock 

A telegram for me ? yes, read it please yes, 

all right, thank you. (Hangs up receiver.) Oh, 
Betty ! It's a telegram from Jack. He's at Junction 
City now and will be home on Number Five. 

Betty. The telegram must have been delayed. 
It's nearly train time now. 

Ruth. Yes, oh, I'm so excited. Will you go with 
me and meet him at the train? 

Betty. Surely, if you care to have me. (They 
hurriedly put on hats, powder faces and fix hair.) 
But we must hurry. 

Ruth. Can you see any powder? I know I look 
a perfect fright. 

Betty. Oh, come on. You look all right. Jack 
will be so glad to see you he will never notice how 
you look. Men never do, anyway. Hurry, or we will 
be too late. 

(Exit c. D.) 

Mike (sticks head in from press room). More copy. 
(Enters and looks around.) May the Saints presarve 
us if they haven't all gone and quit. Th' Printers' 
Onion must have called a shtrike. Nobody on th' job 
and the paper comes out th' morn. (Looks over pile 
of copy on Bob's desk.) Sure, an' if Jack ever sees 
one of these papers he'll die of morteefykashun an' 
th' Germans won't have the throuble of killin' him at 
all, at all. 

(Enter Jack c. d. Wears soldier's uniform and carries 
small grip.) 

Jack. Hello, Mike ! Who is that the Germans are 
going to kill ? 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 49 

Mike. Well, fer th' love of Moike, St. Pether, St. 
Paul and St. Louis. {Shakes hands.) Where in th' 
world did ye drop from, Jack? 

Jack. I received a short furlough rather unex- 
pectedly and so I started for home at once. I sent 
Ruth a telegram from Junction City saying that I 
would be in on Number Five, but later received an 
invitation to come across country in an automobile and 
here I am. I suppose the girls are at the station now; 
to meet me. Well, how is everything going? 

Mike. Why, from just medium to fairly middlin\ 
Bob's out now try in' to scare up something to fill up th' 
paper with for th' morn. Nothin' much to write about 
except the potash craze and ye can't fill up a whole 
paper on potash. 

Jack. Oh, I don't know. Few people realize what 
that potash discovery will mean to this country. By 
the way, Mike, I haven't seen a copy of the Sandburn 
Echo since I left. It seems rather strange, but not a 
single copy ever reached me. 

Mike. Yis, 'tis shtrange, seem' as how none was 
ever sent. Ye see, Bob said he thought ye would 
make a betther soldier if ye didn't see one. To tell th' 
exact truth about the matter the paper hasn't been 
anythin' t' brag about since ye left. 

Jack. I see! Poor Bob! He must be having 
rather a hard time of it. (Picks up paper and puts it 
in coat pocket.) Here's one of last week's papers. 
I'll take it along and look it over before lunch. 

Mike. Betther have loonch first an' then look over 
th' paper. Tis li'ble t' shpoil yer appetite. 

(Enter Bob c. d. writing in note-book. He sits at 
desk and continues to write without seeing Jack 
and Mike.) 

Jack (slaps Bob on back). Hello, Bob! 

Bob (jumps and nearly falls over backwards). 
Holy smoke, Jack! Hello! (Shakes hands.) Well, 
this surely is a surprise. Where in the world did you 
spring from? 



50 "A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Jack. Home on furlough. We were here when you 
came in but you were so engrossed in your story that 
you did not notice us. It must be something very 
interesting. 

Bob. Interesting! I should say it is interesting. 
Honestly, Jack, outside of the discovery of potash, it 
is the first exciting thing that has happened since you 
went away. Rib Jones' old cow. the one that has 
been wandering from one end of the pasture lot to the 
other end for the last ten years, has broken out and 
strayed away. Just think of the tragedy of it. Half 
the population of this town depend upon that cow for 
their milk and butter. Just think of the suffering and 
hunger that will result if she is not found. Think of 
the poor hungry children crying for a glass of milk. 
Think of all the hungry little kittens and pups that will 
have to go without their supper. "Why, man, just think 
of all the — but what's the use of thinking? It's just 
the story we need to fill up the last half of this week's 
paper. {Tears out large number of pages from note- 
book and gives them to Mike.) There, I guess that 
will keep you quiet for a little while. Set that up and 
then go to press. If we can get the paper out before 
they find the cow it will be a great scoop. 

Mike. Foine, sure an' yer improvin'. Begora, the 
old cow will make an editor out of ye yet. 

{Exit to press room.) 

Jack. I see you are getting the idea all right, Bob. 
But what I want to talk to you about is this potash 
proposition. That is the real reason I came home. I 
heard over at Junction City that a bunch of grafters, 
calling themselves the R. B. Skinem Real Estate Com- 
pany, have swindled Mr. Hardnock out of his lake. 

Bob. Yes, I believe there is a rumor to that effect. 

Jack. Now see here, Bob, on the quiet, just be- 
tween you and me, that lake is worth a million. It is 
absolutely the finest grade of potash that we have 
located. We must dig that bunch out and beat them 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 5 1 

to it some way. Mr. Hardnock must not lose this 
property if there is any way to prevent it. 

Bob. I'm afraid it will be pretty hard to " beat 
them to it " now. 

Jack. Then we will beat them up, that's all. I've 
found out, since I've been in the army, what it means 
to be " hard boiled." I understand the gang is repre- 
sented out here by some young scamp from the east. 
Well, I'm going to get hard boiled with him, all rightj 
and when we meet I'm going to give him the licking 
of his life. 

Bob. I wouldn't be too hard on him, Jack. He 
may not be such a bad fellow after all. 

Jack. Bad fellow ! As if robbing an old man of 
a million dollars is not bad enough. No, sir! I tell 
you, it makes me warm under the collar and I'm going 
to make that fellow see stars. I've developed some 
new upper cuts since I've been in training and I'm 
going to try out some of them on his nose. 

Bob. Surely you will give him a chance to explain 
or something. 

Jack. No, sir. There is nothing to explain. That 
deal needs no explanation. Now show him to me and 
I will do the rest. 

Bob. But Jack, he might even be some friend of 
yours. 

Jack. He is no friend of mine, or at least if he 
ever was one he is one no longer. We will ride that 
fellow out of town on a rail. 

Bob. Are you just naturally going to jump right 
on him, the minute you see him, no matter w T ho he is ? 

Jack. What's the matter with you ? I actually be- 
lieve you are trying to shield the fellow. 

Bob. Oh, no ! Not at all. Only don't hit him too 
hard on the nose. It might spoil his face. 

Jack. That scamp must be some friend of yours. 
Very well, if you won't tell me who he is I will see 
Mr. Hardnock and find out from him. They say all 
he has so far is a contract and I intend to see that 
that's all he ever gets. {Telephone rings. Bob 



52 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

reaches for it but Jack gets it first.) I will answer it, 

Bob. It may be Ruth calling. {Talks.) Hello 

yes, this is the Echo office The American Express 

Company ? Oh, yes, what is it ? what's 

that you say our ready prints from the State 

Journal Company are there C. O. D Well, that's 

funny All right, I'll attend to the matter right 

away Good-bye ! {Hangs up receiver.) Say, 

Bob, the agent at the express office says your ready 
prints from the State Journal Company are there 
C. O. D. What's the idea? 

Bob. We got into a little mix-up with their account 
and they got peeved because Betty failed to mail them 
a check exactly on time. They're an awfully particular 
bunch up there. 

Jack. That's strange, they were always very liberal 
with me. 

Bob. I guess they don't like our way of doing busi- 
ness. By the way, Jack, could you loan me four hun- 
dred dollars for a few days? 

Jack. I haven't the money right now, Bob, but I 
think I could get it for you by the first of the month. 

Bob. I would like very much to have it to-day if 
possible. 

Jack. I am sorry, but my surplus funds are all tied 
up where I can't get at them. What do you want with 
the money? 

Bob. It's a secret, Jack, and I would rather you 
did not ask me. But I am not going to spend it 
foolishly. 

Jack. I know you wouldn't, Bob. {Takes out 
pocketbook.) I have fifty dollars here with me that I 
can let you have if it will help you out. But won't 
you tell me what you are going to do with it ? 

Bob {takes money). Thanks for the lift, Jack. It 
will help some. Yes, I will tell you. I have a little 
deal on in potash myself. I am on the inside and 
know where I can make some money. 

Jack. Be careful what you do, Bob, and don't let 
some strangers bunco you out of it. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 



53 



Bob. No danger of that. I am personally ac- 
quainted with all the fellows in this deal and it is a 
money-making proposition. 

Jack. Have you had a report by some competent 
person as to the quality of the potash ? 

Bob. Yes, a friend of mine who is very competent 
and trustworthy has given a very favorable report on 
the proposition. Thanks again for the loan. I hope 
to be able to repay you in a few days. 

Jack. Don't mention it, old fellow, here's wishing 
you luck. I think I'll walk down towards the station 
and meet the girls. They may be on their way back 
by now. I'll see you later. 

(Exit c. d.) 

Bob (counting his money). Fifty dollars ! That's 
a long way from four hundred but still it's a start. 
Hardnock beat me to the bank and fixed it so I couldn't 
borrow a cent. I'll buy that bank some day and fire 
the whole bunch. I'm sorry Jack came home just 
now. He's liable to queer the whole deal. I hope he 
won't carry out his threat and try out some of his 
upper cuts on my nose. I wonder where I will get 
that other three hundred and fifty. Hardnock will 
never let the deal go through if he really thinks I 
have the money. By George! I have it. I'll go to 
the bank and get this fifty changed into forty one 
dollar bills, put a ten on top and run the bluff. Rather 
risky, but it's worth trying. (Puis money in pocket 
and starts for c. d. Laughter heard outside.) Here 
they come. Hardnock and all. Me for the back door. 

(Exit press room.) 

(Enter Ruth, Jack, Betty, Hardnock.) 

Ruth. Your telegram certainly was a surprise. 
We didn't expect you for several days. 
Jack. I was rather surprised myself. We received 



54 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

sudden orders to leave for an eastern camp and I was 
granted a furlough sooner than I expected. You may 
be sure I lost no time in starting for home. 

Betty. What do you. think of army life by this 
time ? 

Jack. Oh, it's great if you like it. It's a little 
rough at first, perhaps, on a rookie, but after running 
errands all over camp for a while trying to borrow a 
piece of skirmish line or some such stunt he soon gets 
wise and then it isn't half bad. 

Betty. You look so strong and grand in your new 
uniform I could just hug you. 

Jack. That will be perfectly satisfactory with me, 
I am sure. 

Ruth. Never mind, Betty, I will attend to all the 
details myself. You see I have been learning some 
army commands since Jack left. Now just listen to 
this. (To Jack.) Attention! Extend arms. (Jack 
extends his arms at the side. Ruth goes to him and 
puts her arms about his neck.) Fold arms! (Jack 
folds arms about her. ) Rest. 

(Ruth lays her head on Jack's shoulder.) 

Hardnock {coughs). Ahem! Ruth, I am ashamed 
of you. Come here ! 

Ruth. Oh, Jack doesn't care, father. 

Jack. No, I don't care, father. 

Hardnock. Father! {Louder.) Father! Don't 
you " father " me, young man. You seem to forget 
that I have forbidden this marriage. 

Ruth. Oh, no, father, he hasn't forgotten it; he 
just ignores it. 

Hardnock. Well, one thing sure, neither of you 
will ever have the chance to ignore any of my money. 

Jack. Let's not discuss that just now, Mr. Hard- 
nock. {Goes toward Hardnock.) My principal 
object in coming home at this time was to consult 
with you and see if I could assist you with your potash 
proposition. 

Hardnock. I don't want to consult with anybody. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 55 

Besides, thanks to some of your very special friends, 
I am not even sure that I have a potash proposition to 
consult about. 

Jack. I heard at Junction City that a bunch of 
grafters had swindled you out of your lake. 

Hardnock. Swindled! (Angrily.) Swindled! 
Why, man, they simply stole it from me in broad day- 
light. And it wouldn't surprise me a bit to find out 
that you had a hand in the deal yourself. 

Betty. Oh, no, Mr. Hardnock, Jack had nothing 
to do with it. He didn't even know that we — that is — 
I mean that you had sold your lake. 

Hardnock. Well, the deal isn't closed yet and I 
don't think it ever will be. All they have so far is a 
contract and that is all they ever will get if I can 
help it. 

Jack. Then the deal isn't closed? 

Hardnock. No. They have a contract calling for 
final settlement to-day upon payment of four hundred 
dollars. They have not been able to raise the money 
so far and I have been at the bank and fixed it so 
they can't borrow a cent there. 

Jack. Four hundred dollars ! Why, that property 
is worth a million. I understand that Skinem Com- 
pany is represented out here by some young fellow 
from the east and you insinuated that some of my 
friends were connected with the swindle. Who is this 
man and who are the friends you refer to? 

Betty. Let's not talk business now. That can wait 
until after supper, when you men are by yourselves. 
Tell us some more about your army life, Jack. 

Hardnock. No, we will talk business now and if 
there is anybody here who doesn't care to listen they 
are at liberty to leave. (To Jack.) And now, sir, 
since you pretend to be so innocent as to who this 
young scoundrel is, I take great pleasure in announc- 
ing that it is your slippery, good-for-nothing Bolshe- 
viki friend, Mr. White. 

Jack. What, Bob? Impossible. I will never be- 
lieve it, 



56 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Hardnock. And I might also add that your trusted 
assistant, Miss Hart, has become so infatuated with 
him that she is assisting him in his dirty work. 

Jack. Betty, do you know anything about this 
transaction ? 

Betty. Yes, I have heard a little about it. 

Jack. Is this report about Bob true ? 

Betty. If you mean the report that Bob represents 
the R. B. Skinem Real Estate Company I will say 
" yes." But there was no swindle that I know of. 
Their transaction with Mr. Hardnock was a simple 
out-and-out business proposition. He named his price 
and Bob paid it. Isn't that all right ? 

Jack. It would be right, perhaps, under certain 
conditions, but it is not right when he knew that the 
property he was buying was worth many times what 
he was paying for it. 

Betty. It looks to me like a very shrewd business 
transaction. 

Jack. And so you defend him in it. I suppose you 
also expect a share of the booty. Is that the idea ? 

Ruth. Jack ! You have no right to talk like that 
to Betty. Perhaps Bob did not know the value of the 
lake at the time he bought it. 

Jack. No one would come way out here and buy a 
lot of dirty water unless they had something in mind. 
Besides if he did not know the value of the property 
before he bought it and wants to be on the square, why 
doesn't he make it right with Mr. Hardnock and return 
the contract? 

Hardnock. Yes, that's the idea. Why doesn't he 
return the contract? 

{Telephone rings. Jack answers.) 

Jack. Hello this is the Sandbnrn Echo ...... 

Oh, yes, Mr. Stanton, what is it ? You say our 

bank account is overdrawn? That's strange 

I see by the way, who signed that hundred dollar 

check you mentioned ? I see all right, I 

will cover it right away Good-bye. {Hangs up 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 57 

receiver.) Mr. Stanton says that our account is over- 
drawn at the bank. It seems that Bob has been mak- 
ing good use of his time. He checked out that hun- 
dred dollars I left to pay current expenses with before 
I was hardly out of town. By the way, Betty, did 
you get that error with the State Journal Company 
corrected ? 

Betty. I didn't know there was an error. 

Jack. I didn't suppose you did. The ready prints 
are at the express office now. Came C. O. D. Bob 
said it was because you had made an error in their 
account. That's the second lie I have caught him in 
since I came home and still you claim he is on the 
square. 

Ruth. Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself 
to lose faith in your best friends the way you have, 
without something more tangible than the complaints 
of a man who has received the worst end of a bar- 
gain. Why don't you see Bob and ask him for an 
explanation ? 

Hardnock. There is nothing to explain. Didn't 
they swipe his money? Didn't they run his paper in 
debt? Isn't their account overdrawn at the bank and 
are not their supplies coming in C. O. D. ; to say noth- 
ing of trying to rob me of a million dollars? What 
better evidence do you want than facts? You can't 
explain facts. 

Jack. I want to hear no more about it. Bob has 
been a great disappointment to me, and it hurts me 
more to think that Betty should defend him in it. As 
for my money, I shall drop the matter and charge it 
up to profit and loss, but I can never allow them to 
get away with Mr. Hardnock's property, if I can pre- 
vent it. You say final settlement is to be made to-day ? 

Hardnock. Yes, but I don't think that he can raise 
the money. Still I am not very comfortable about it. 
He is such a shrewd slicker that you can never tell 
what he will do next. 

Jack. He is after the money all right. I loaned 
him fifty dollars of it myself. 



58 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Hardnock. The dickens you did. What in thun- 
der did you do that for ? 

Jack. I had no reason to suspect anything wrong. 
Have you tried to buy him off ? 

Hardnock. Yes, and he will surrender the con- 
tract for the small sum of fifty thousand dollars. 

Jack. Fifty thousand! He doesn't want much, 
does he? 

Hardnock. Simply a small compensation to reim- 
burse him somewhat for his trouble and loss of time. 

Jack. At the same time the property is worth the 
money and if you see that the deal is going through 
you can't afford to lose it for a hundred thousand. 

Betty. Oh, I think fifty thousand will be plenty, 
thank you. 

Jack. By the way, Mr. Hardnock, how did a 
shrewd, cunning business man like you ever come to 
let a greenhorn like Bob put a deal like that over 
on you? 

Hardnock. Ahem — that is — well, you see, how was 
I to know the darn lake was full of potash ? 

Betty. No, he was trying to be on the square by 
skinning Bob out of about five hundred dollars of good 
hard-earned money, by selling him a lake for several 
times what he thought it was worth. 

(Enter Bob c. d.) 

Bob (greeting them heartily). Hello, everybody I 
Fine day if it don't rain. (Nobody answers and he 
looks around inquiringly. Betty busily turns the 
pages of a ledger. Ruth reads a paper. Jack turns 
his back and Hardnock gazes at the ceiling with his 
nose in the air.) Why so glum, everybody? Who's 
dead? (Nobody anszuers.) Is that so? I hadn't 
heard about it. When is the funeral? (Nobody an- 
swers.) You don't say so. (Bob goes to Hardnock 
and tries to see what he is looking at.) What's the 
matter, old boy? Do you see an air ship or has your 
gout settled in your neck? (No answer.) Don't every- 
body talk at once like that ; it makes me nervous. (Bob 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 59 

goes to Betty.) You seem to be very busy to-day, 
Betty. 

Betty. Don't disturb me, Mr. White. (Sarcastic- 
ally.) I am looking for that error with the State 
Journal you were telling Jack about. 

Bob (whistles). Oh, I see! How did he come to 
tell you about that ? 

Jack (turning to Bob). Bob, you don't know how 
surprised and grieved I am to find that you, who I 
would have trusted with my very last penny, have 
turned against me and pulled off a deal like this. 

Bob. Oh, that's all right, Jack. You don't under- 
stand, that's all. And I can't explain very well right 
now, either. But it's all right. Just leave everything 
to me and don't worry. 

Hardnock. Leave everything to you ! Young man, 
it seems to me that you have already taken most of it. 

Bob. Yes, and I'm going to take fifty thousand 
more in a few minutes. And that brings me to the 
point. I am ready now to make final settlement on 
that contract. If you want the property back, now is 
the time to get it. If not, I have the money ready 
and we will close the deal at once. 

Hardnock. You can't run a bluff like that on me. 
(Takes paper from coat pocket.) Here's your deed. 
Now let's see the money. 

Bob. Very well, just as you say. I was simply 
giving you one more chance, that's all. (Takes roll of 
bills from his pocket consisting of thirty-nine one dol- 
lar bills, with a ten dollar bill on top. ) There you are. 
Just take a squint at that. Isn't that a sight for sore 
eyes? Notice that little ten spot there. (Flips bills 
with finger and thumb.) And there are exactly thirty- 
nine more of Uncle Sam's due bills of the same size 
underneath. You thought you had it fixed so I couldn't 
raise the money, didn't you ? Well, it was rather hard 
at first but Jack, here, started the subscription with 
fifty dollars and the rest was easy. 

Jack. Bob, can't I persuade you to abandon this 
scheme to rob Mr. Hardnock? You can't afford to 



60 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

sell your reputation and your character for twice the 
amount you are asking. Consider what it will mean 
before it is too late. 

Bob. No, Jack, I have gone too far to stop now. 
Besides the rest of the company might sue me for 
damages. But it's all right. You don't know half 
what's been going on while you were away. 

Jack. I seem to be finding out pretty fast. 

Hardnock. I don't believe he has got the money. 
(Holds hand out for money.) Here, let me count it. 

Bob. All right, but let's do the thing in a business- 
like manner. (Bob steps to print room entrance and 
calls Mike.) Oh, Mike! 

Mike (off stage). Yis, sor! 

Bob. Come here a moment, will you? (Enter Mike 
from print room.) Just count those bills. (Bob 
hands him the money.) I am going to hand them to 
Mr. Hardnock and I want you to see that he doesn't 
slip out some on me. Do you find them correct ? 

Mike. Yis, sor, begora they're all there. 

(Hands money to Bob.) 

Bob (to Mike). Very well, now please notice that 
they are all United States Gold Certificates and are 
legal tender for all obligations anywhere in the United 
States. I owe this money to Mr. Hardnock in settle- 
ment of a certain contract. If he accepts this money 
when I offer it to him I want you for a witness, as 
that will close the deal and the property is mine. If 
he refuses to take it, then I will have made him a legal 
tender and the contract will be fulfilled the same as if 
he had accepted it. Do you understand ? 

Mike. Yis, sor. If he takes it you get it and if he 
don't take it you get it anyway. Begora, he had 
better take it. 

Hardnock. Hold on a minute, gosh darn it, you're 
getting too technical. I'll give you twenty-five thou- 
sand to let me off. 

Bob. I am very sorry, but I can't consider any- 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 6 1 

thing less than my first offer. Give me a check for 
fifty thousand and we will call it square. 

Hardnock. Not by a long shot. You can't rob 
me like that. What do you say, Jack, shall I offer him 
forty thousand? 

Jack. I hate to see you do it, Mr. Hardnock, but 
if the sample I tested for them is a fair specimen you 
can't afford to let it go for twice that amount. 

Hardnock. Well then, darn it all, I'll give you 
forty thousand but not one cent more. 

Bob. Very well, then the deal is off and here is 
your money. (Starts to hand money to Hardnock.) 

Hardnock. Hold on a minute; don't get so 
bloomin' fast. I'll give you your price but it's a plain 
robbery, that's what it is. Give me a check book. 

Bob. Certainly. (Takes check from pocket.) 
Here is one already made out. Just sign on the 
dotted line, please. 

Hardnock (signs check). It seems to me you were 
all-fired sure you were going to make a bargain. 

Bob. Yes, I thought you would come across, all 
right. 

Hardnock. Well, there's your check. Now give 
me the contract and then get out of my sight. 

(Hands Bob check.) 

Bob. Thanks fifty thousand times, Mr. Hardnock. 
(Takes contract from pocket.) And now before turn- 
ing over this contract I wish you would just call up 
the bank and tell Mr. Stanton that you have given me 
this check and that it is all O. K. 

Hardnock. That is not necessary. He knows my 
signature. 

Bob. Perhaps it is not necessary, but I am getting 
awfully darn suspicious lately. (Calls bank on the 

telephone.) Give me the Sandburn Bank, please 

Hello, is this the bank? Mr. Stanton talking? 

Hold the 'phone, please, here is a party that wishes to 
speak with you. (To Hardnock.) Here you are, 
Mr. Hardnock. He is on the line. 



62 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

(Hands 'phone to Hardnock.) 

Hardnock (talks in 'phone). Hello Stan- 
ton ? This is John Hardnock, yes I 

have just given Mr. Robert White a check for fifty 

thousand dollars Yes, the check is all right and 

you will please handle it for him All right, good- 
bye. (Hangs up receiver.) 

Bob. Thank you, and here is your contract. (Hands 
him paper. ) I wish you success in your undertaking, 
but it is a pretty high price to pay for a lake. 

Hardnock. Now get out of my sight, you thief, 
you robber, you grafter. 

Bob. Why say, you old fox, if you weren't the 
father of the sweetheart of a special friend of mine 

I'd That's not robbery according to your 

standards. That's just a sample of your brand of 
shrewd, cunning business ingenuity. I take great 
pleasure in leaving you at this time. Betty, do you 
care to walk to the bank with me to cash this check ? 

Betty. Certainly, Bob. Perhaps you will buy me 
a diamond or something. 

Bob. By the way, Jack, there is that fifty you 
loaned me. (Hands Jack the roll of bills.) I don't 
need it any longer. Thanks. I had it changed into 
one dollar bills just for looks. (Starts for door. Turns 
and speaks to Hardnock.) By the way, Mr. Hard- 
nock, I wouldn't bother about building a mill on that 
property. It will hardly pay you. You see I only had 
a few loads of potash dumped in along the shore in 
order to get a good test. So long, everybody. 

(Exit Bob and Betty, c. d.) 

Hardnock. Buncoed, by gosh ! 

Jack. One dollar bills and he only had fifty dollars 
all the time. 

Hardnock. Thunder! Mike, confound you, I 
thought you counted those bills. 

Mike. Sure and I did. I said they were all there, 
didn't I? And begora, they were all the same size, 
too. 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 63 

Jack. You have the contract in your possession. 
Telephone the bank and stop payment on the check. 

Ruth (grabbing telephone). That would not be 
fair. You must not do it. 

Jack. Fair! Have they been fair? Quick, Mr. 
Hardnock, the telephone. 

Ruth (as Hardnock starts for 'phone). No, I 
say. It is not right. 

Hardnock. Ruth, I am surprised at you. Give me 
that telephone at once. (Takes telephone from Ruth.) 

Hello, hello central, give me the Sandburn Bank 

yes, hurry Hello, is this Mr. Stanton? (Mike 

cuts the wires leading to the telephone with a big pair 
of printer's shears.) This is John Hardnock. I want 
you to stop payment on that hello ! (Shakes re- 
ceiver hook.) Hello central, hello central, some- 
thing's wrong. We're cut off. 

Mike. Begora, me shears shlipped and cut the 
wire. 

Jack. Mike, what do you mean by cutting those 
wires ? 

Mike. Begora, I'm a member of the gang, meself. 

Hardnock. Well, you can't come one over me like 
that. I'll go to the bank myself. (He rushes to the 
door c. d. and shakes it furiously.) Confound it, they 
have locked us in. I'll try the back door. 

(He rushes out of the door leading to press room. In 
his hurry he upsets a chair and pushes Mike out of 
his way against another chair over which Mike 
falls.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT HI 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Discovered Jack and 
Ruth. Jack sits at his desk, thinking and tapping 
the desk with his fingers. A deep frown is on his 
face and he appears very angry. Ruth sits on top 
of the other desk reading a newspaper which she 
holds upside down. From time to time she glances 
over the paper, smiling at Jack, and quickly ducks 
her head as he moves. 

Ruth. Jack! {No answer.) Oh, Jack! Are you 
still mad? 

Jack {angrily). Ruth, what's the matter with 
everybody around here? Has the whole bunch gone 
crazy ? 

Ruth. Well, yes, you might say so, in a way. You 
see Bob's crazy about Betty and she's simply wild 
about him. And then, of course, I'm daffy about 
you, Mike's raving all the time for more copy and 
even Dad is mad because he bought a gold brick. 

Jack. It seems to me that your actions call for 
some kind of an explanation. 

Ruth. Explaining is such a hard matter. I just 
hate to explain things, and besides I promised Bob 
that I would let him attend to that himself. 

Jack. Bob and I are through as far as I am con- 
cerned. He has turned traitor to me and I can't see 
why you uphold him in his actions. I feel sorry for 
your father and I hate to think that it was one of my 
friends who swindled him. 

Ruth. ^ I don't pity him in the least. He brought 
it upon himself and he deserves just exactly what he 
got. Hasn't he always preached business shrewdness 
in place of honesty? Hasn't he always bragged about 
how he could put it over on somebody? And didn't 

6 4 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 65 

he even advise you to do a little crooked work yourself 
in order to make money? He has just swallowed a 
dose of his own medicine and he doesn't like it very 
well, either. 

Jack. I still have hopes that he will get to the 
bank in time to stop the check. 

Ruth. No danger of that. Believe me, Bob will 
waste no time in getting that check cashed. He has 
use for the money. 

(Enter Hardnock. He is out of breath, has a black 
eye and his clothing is in a disheveled condition.) 

Hardnock (limping and holding his head). Oh, 
my eye! Oh, my nose! 

Ruth. Father! (Goes to him.) What is the 
matter ? 

Jack. Are you hurt? 

Hardnock. Am I hurt? No, young man. I've 
just been making up for a masquerade ball. 

Ruth. What happened, father ? 

Hardnock. I was in such a confounded hurry to 
get to the bank that I got all tangled up with a lady, a 
dog and a baby carriage. We all went sprawling on 
the sidewalk together with the dog on the bottom and 
me next to the dog. 

Ruth. I hope it is nothing serious. 

Hardnock. Oh, no ! Nothing serious. Just a few 
hundred minor injuries, to say nothing of a few broken 
ribs and noses. 

Ruth. Not noses, father. Just nose. 

Jack. Did you reach the bank in time to stop the 
check ? 

Hardnock. No, confound it. By the time I got 
untangled from that mass of squirming dogs and 
women, the villains were just coming out of the door 
and they actually had the nerve to stand there and 
laugh at me. 

Ruth. You do look rather funny, father. 

Hardnock. And you side in with them. Here I 
am, half killed and swindled out of my money until 



66 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

I haven't enough left to pay the doctor's bill and still 
you stand there and laugh. 

Ruth. It's too bad, father. I really and truly feel 
sorry for you. Perhaps you can borrow some money 
from Bob. 

Hardnock. Bob ! Never mention that name to me 
again, I tell you. I never want to hear of him again. 

(Enter Bob and Betty.) 

Bob. Hello, Mr. Harnock, were you asking for 
me? 

Hardnock. No, I wasn't asking for you. I 
thought I told you to get out and stay out. 

Bob. Yes, I know, but I came in to ask your 
pardon. I really owe you an apology, Mr. Hardnock, 
for laughing at you the way I did and I am very, very 
sorry, but you did look so funny and when that dog 
began to — — (Bob bursts out laughing.) Ha-ha-ha — 

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha When that dog began to 

w ig Ha-ha-ha-ha — Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha 

Hardnock (picks up chair and threatens Bob). See 
here, young man, you may be able to beat me in a 
bargain but you can't stand there and laugh at me 
like that. 

Bob. Certainly not, Mr. Hardnock. I am ashamed 
of myself, and I'll try and not do so again. Just put 
that chair down and sit in it. You'll look more com- 
fortable and I'll feel more comfortable. You see I 
really came here to see Jack. (Turns to Jack.) 
Jack, I am sorry we had to make you lose faith in the 
whole bunch around here and in order to win back 
your good will the R. B. Skinem Real Estate Company 
presents you with this bank book. (Takes small book 
from his pocket and gives it to Jack.) It contains a 
small deposit, subject to your check, which we hope 
you will accept and use it as you may see fit. 

Jack (looking at book). A bank book. I don't 
understand. (Glances at deposit entry.) Fifty thou- 
sand dollars in my name. What does this mean? 

Ruth. It means that you have been misjudging 



A DEAL IN DUCKS 67 

your best friends and that they have really been 
working all this while for our interests. 

Jack. For our interests ? 

Ruth (pulls at button on Jack's coat). Yes, don't 
you remember father promised that we could get 
married when you had fifty thousand dollars in the 
bank? 

Jack. Yes. I believe he did make that promise. 

Ruth. Well, now you've got it and you are not 
going back on your bargain, are you ? 

Jack. Well, I should say not. ( Gives Ruth a hug 
and then goes and shakes Bob's hand. ) Bob, old boy, 
forgive me. I almost doubted you for a minute, but 
you must admit I had reason. 

Bob. That's all right, Jack. I'll admit it did look 
a little suspicious. 

Jack. And what do you say about it, Mr. Hard- 
nock? 

Hardnock. It's all right. It's all right. I saw 
through it all the time, only I just didn't let on, that's 
all. As for you and Ruth, I intended that you should 
get married all the time. In fact I w r ould much prefer 
that she did not marry a man who had fifty thousand 
dollars. It might spoil her. 

Jack. I see, especially when that fifty thousand is 
your money. Well, under those conditions I'll just 
hand you back a check for forty thousand dollars in 
order to overcome that objection. 

Hardnock. Thanks. I shall feel easier now over 
her future that I know she will not be spoiled with 
too much money right at first. (Coughs.) Ahem! 
In regard to the other ten thousand? 

Jack. I think I shall keep that just for the present 
and build that little nest you promised us when we 
had the fifty raised. We will build a cozy little house 
with a big old-fashioned room in it for you when you 
retire. 

Hardnock. And I am going to retire right now if 
I can get that young rogue there (indicating Bob) to 
take over the management of my affairs. 



68 A DEAL IN DUCKS 

Bob. If you can get me? You've got me ! What's 
the salary? 

Hardnock. Salary left to you, my boy. Any- 
body who is able to sell John Hardnock a bowl of 
dirty water for fifty thousand dollars the way you did 
can name his own salary. You are just slick enough 
to suit me. 

Bob. All right, it's a bargain, but Jack will have to 
find a new assistant. Betty has just promised to stop 
pounding the typewriter and take a new job pounding 
beefsteak for me. 

Betty. And Bob has promised to stop beating peo- 
ple and take a new job beating rugs. 

Ruth. Isn't that fine ? And we'll build a house, a 
great big house. One side will be for Jack and me; 
the other side will be for Bob and Betty, and we will 
put father's room in the middle to keep us from quar- 
reling. 

Betty. And in the evening we'll sit on the porch of 
our house by the side of the road and watch the cows 
and the pigs go by. 

{Enter Mike.) 

Jack. And here comes Mike. Mike, is there time 
to get a couple of wedding announcements in this 
week's paper? 

Mike. No, sor, yer too late. The forms are all 
made up and we're ready to go. 

Bob. All right, Mike. We'll soon be with you. 
And now if the good people will excuse us we will go 
to press. 

(Ruth and Jack and Bob and Betty embrace.) 



CURTAIN 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two Acts. 
by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time m 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- 
ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- 
sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. 
When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that 
the physician is a' female practitioner. 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank 
Dumont. For eleven females. Time, thirty minutes. Costumes, 
fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior. A grand expose 
of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, 
and they institute a similar organization. 

A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For seven female char- - 
acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, o»*e 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy . interiors and one stre£ et 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living with her aunt, M>*ss 
Skinflint. She decides to "attain a commanding positioM-" 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work £ >r >d 
school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters.^ 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Costumes, modern. 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they must win 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. 
Maude sees. Mabel has a secret, she coaxes' and Mabel tells her. 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another 
friend and so the secret travels. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many, obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment. 



\nmmmm 0HGRESS ■ 

016 102 687 6 

Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKXEY'S. An En- 

tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, "Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," "Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 
planned a birthday surprise party for Mary Brinkley, recently, 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs,: 
conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, which surprises* 
the surprisers. The entertainment is a sure success. 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
jEdward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 

chapter has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 

many rich parts, and fast fun throughout. 

?HE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in On« 
Act, py Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
roay je all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that pur persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simp>e street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
•f *V sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
roacliine. - A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
ch£ rac ters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
/■'.iig-gun stream of rollicking repartee. 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 
Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. 

THE OLD MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the way of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. 

BARGAIN DAY AT BLOOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
fun from start to finish. 



